Oh What A Night

The five things you don't want to hear while watching your players:

1. And that's two early fouls on [insert player name].

2. With his team up by 30 points going into the fourth, that'll be it for [insert player name].

3. He just looks awful, I wouldn't be surprised if we don't see [insert player name] for the rest of the night.

4. And [insert player name] is getting up slowly, he went down grabbing that knee and--ouch that looked bad.

5. Yikes, I hope you don't have [insert player name] on your fantasy squad.

A Kind Request From The Giant

A suggestion, if you will. To those who are using "trade talks" as a false pretense to chit chat or to cure some sordid desire to fuck with people, please just skip over my email in your address book. Consider this a warning because I swear, without a smile on my face or irony in my words, that if you instigate a trade talk (e.g. "who do you want for iverson") then after two hours of discussing players, deals, ex-girlfriends and movies you tell me you have no interest in making a trade (e.g. "sorry, i can't mess with the squad"), violence will occur. In one form or another, the Giant's wrath will be felt. There is nothing worse than giving someone's heart an erection by callously leading them down a path towards a potential season saving trade, only to then flash a viscious grin and throw up on their head.

If you need an outlet for your evil lechery, adopt a puppy and throw it up on the rape stand, because honestly it would be less cruel. And you know who you are.

On another note, did anyone download that "Where Amazing Happens" song? Neither did I.

Who me?

For an informative look at who the experts think the most valuable players are in the early going, we turn now to NBA.com. In their weekly "Race to the MVP" feature, the league's website has dubbed the following ten players the most superawesome (in reverse order):

10. Steve Nash, PG, Mikey's Roofies
9. Dwight Howard, FC, Moop Resurrected
8. Yao Ming, C, The Misers
7. Tim Duncan, FC, Mama Looch
6. Kobe Bryant, SG, Yom Kippur at Joel's
5. Allen Iverson, G, Cardiff Giant
4. Chris Paul, PG, The Misers
3. Tracy McGrady, GF, Cardiff Giant
2. Carlos Boozer, FC, Cardiff Giant
1. Kevin Garnett, PF, Best Team Ever

Self serving post? You're goddamned right it is. Now someone trade me some fucking blocks and rebounds already, A-Holes.