Where a waste of time happens.

I'm more than a little perturbed because I spent the better part of an otherwise worthless day putting this together, and it pretty much looks like crap. I don't even know if you can read the words, but I'll be damned if I'm just going to trash it. So here, blow me.

UPDATE: For a breakdown of the commercial photos, click here

Well then...

I think we'd all agree, it's time for a new robe:

If you're going to cry, cry on the inside.

Life as a Josh Smith owner is like that Coldplay song.

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.

On the one hand, there's the 3.7 blocks, 1.9 steals, 7.3 rebounds, and 17.5 points a game. Plus he was just given PF eligibility in our Yahoo! league.

On the other hand, the hand bloodied, bruised, and battered from abusing your over-sized dome, there's the 36.9% field goal percentage (on almost 15 shots a game), the 20% 3pt% and the 74.5% FT% (which is actually a career high).

He has games this year of 13-22 FG, 6-10 FG, 6-12 FG, and 5-9 FG. Those are "balanced" by 2-14, 4-17, 3-16, 3-13, 6-14, 4-17 (again), and 5-16 field goal nights.

I watched last night to see what the problem is.

Here's my diagnosis: HE CAN'T SHOOT. AT ALL. He has two shots in his repertoire -- a long-range jumper that almost always clanks off the back rim and a running, left-handed, half hook shot. That's it. No put-backs, no mid-range game, nothing.

But I love him still. I'm like a battered woman. For Christmas I'm getting him this instructional DVD:




I'd get him "Scoring without the Ball" but there's no way he's ready for that.

I'd Say You Had Enough

Let's call it growing pains. The fact that now in the seventh year of this league no one can execute a fucking trade. All but two managers hate their teams--and we're just a Marcus Camby knee explosion and the expiration of some Satan contracts away from making it a full slate. Everyone is complaining, but no one will fucking trade.

I'll take it one step further. No one will even discuss a trade. "I'm open to offers." "Sure I'm listening." Fuck you, asshole. No one is listening. No one is doing a goddamned thing. It's like every person is frozen in total fear of being raped in a deal. We all know the abuse involved with trading a Josh Smith for a Ray Felton. A Deron Williams for an Andrew Bogut. Or even an Allen Iverson for an Andrei Kirilenko. No one wants the abuse invloved with such a catastrofuck. Instead we all stand around brushing each other's teeth with our dicks and gargling cum. Yeah, I said it.

Man up you fuckers and make a deal.

Better Power Rankings

Brought to you by Fred "Ogre" Palowalski.


#1 - The Flux (3)
So far, so good. The Flux went with solid all-around guys like Marion and Rashard Lewis, and ranks no lower than 7th in any single category on the season. The Vinsane injury will hurt, but role players like Rondo and Kaman will ease the blow. Heck, Theo Ratliff is averaging 3.5 blocks. So far, this team is charmed.

#2 - Moop Resurrected (2)
Lots of points and rebounds, which is telling. I think this team remains strong throughout the season due to depth – an injury would not derail the Moop because he’s got back-ups at every position, including 3 workable C’s. RJ and Kmart are still tearing shit up. Still, it’s gonna take more than points and rebounds.

#3 - Mikey's Roofies (7)
OK, my team is awesome. There’s no point in being modest anymore.

#4 - Mighty Mullets (1)
Yi’s Drunk Midgets! No? How about Yi’s Drunk Mullets? I still like Danny Granger, and I see a big stretch coming up for Pau Gasol. Still, any manager that holds on to Zaza Pachulia through injury is questionable in my book.

#5 - Cardiff Giant (10)
A solid week from the Giant. However, if your only source of blocks is Brendan Haywood, you might be looking to upgrade at ‘C’.

#6 - Mama Looch (2)
First an up week, then a down week for Andrea B. Duncan, Bosh, and Okafor still look like the best set of C’s in Mr. League, though. Jason Terry should come back down to earth soon.

#7 - Blue Balls (6)
Has only one player averaging less than 13.5ppg (Tinsley). Still, it sounds like Agent Zero’s having some issues, he’ll need to come back strong to right this ship.

#8 - Loser's Row (8)
So far it’s almost a dead heat between Marbury and Josh Smith for asshole of the year.

#9 - The Misers (12)
I know it was a big week for the Mazoors, but I just can’t move up a team that has Wally, Udonis, Kyle Lowry, and Mike Dunleavy on its roster. Talk about a bunch of scrubs.

#10 - The Burning Sensation (9)
Sounds like Wade is close. Peja has proven that sometimes he doesn't suck.

#11 - Best Team Ever (11)
Garnett still dominates, but Iguodala averaging 5 TO’s? Ugh. Aldridge and Barbosa are good and improving, but this team leaves a lot to be desired.

#12 - Yom Kippur at Joel's (10)
The Ron Artest era begins now. We all know what Kobe does, but Kevin Durant is proving he will be a star in the league, and Shaq still has some tank left in the gas. Sign #64 your team might be in trouble: Joel Przybilla leads your squad in boards.

Signs your team may be in trouble #72

When one of your best players has to be restrained from fighting his teammates, during the game.

From RotoWorld:

The Detroit News reports, "During the Hawks' game against the Pistons, [Josh Smith] was yelling at teammate Tyronn Lue because he wasn't passing him the ball enough. He yelled at coach Mike Woodson to get Lue out of the game and had to be restrained by coaches and teammates. When he did get the ball, he often broke plays to get off his own shot."

The article speculated that Smith could be a negative influence on the team, and for a team as young as the Hawks', he certainly isn't a role model. He is, however, a fantastic athlete and an elite fantasy force, so play him every week, bad vibes or not.

Rock on with your potentially-suspended-at-any-moment self JSmoove.

L.C.P.

Picture this:

The Mullets, Misers, BTE, Never Won and Mama Looch went to a hot mid-town disco party last night. Lots of pretty ladies and a champagne bottle to person ratio of 3:1.

What did this group of urban-sophisticated Mr. Leaguers do?

We danced in a closed circle and sang (as in lyrics to music) about Josh Smith and Andrea Bargnani.

This prompted Never Won to boldly declare that we are the "least cool people" on the planet.

What a scene.

[Note: Cardeef was also at this party. His story will be told another time]

Finally, Friday Night Basketball has returned to the world!

The following conversation took place between Never Won and Never Won's girlfriend earlier this week:

NeverWon's GF: So I'm sleeping over this Friday right?
NeverWon: Ummmmmmmmmm.
NeverWon's GF: Why, what's up?
NeverWon: It's Friday night.
NeverWon's GF: And then?
NeverWon: Well, it's Friday night basketball. And the debut of the Celtics. And when you come over and I watch basketball you start whining. And it makes me want to bludgeon my eyes out with a rusty spork*.
NeverWon's GF: OK, that's fine. I'll sleep over Saturday and then we have Sunday together.
NeverWon (in his head): Celtics at 2:30 on Sunday. Patriots - Colts at 4:15. RUSTY SPORK IN MY EYE.
NeverWon (outloud): Great!

If you need me tonight I'll be on my couch with 6 Bud Light horses (tall boys for you Southerners) and my boyfriends Josh Smith and Paul Pierce. No girlfriend necessary.

* That last sentence may or may not have actually been spoken.

Suck on this Best Team Ever:

A Tree Grows in Atlanta

I have no statistical evidence of this, but one of my rules of fantasy basketball is "Don't take players who just signed a big contract." Some examples -- Peja, Jerome James, Brian Cardinal. Contracts in the NBA are guaranteed so that slight ankle sprain tends to hurt a lot more when you've got 5 years, $50 million wrapped up.

For some perspective, one of my life rules is "Don't worry about wiping your ass if you're just going to take a shower right after." But that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, why take a guy who just signed a huge deal when you can take a guy in a contract year (the proverbial, it's-cool-if-a-little-gets-on-your-leg-because-you're-in-the-shower-anyway clause)?

So this year when I drafted Josh Smith, I was not-so-secretly hoping that the Hawks didn't extend him before October 31, thereby making him a restricted free agent at the end of the year. Contract year, baby!

And wouldn't you know, the worst franchise in the league just decided not to sign their potential franchise player on the future before the October 31 deadline. Here's to hoping they don't lock up Childress either. That just would make too much sense to a club that passed on CP3 and Deron Williams and then drafted forwards 3 years in a row.

I also noticed that Smith's agent's last name is Dyke. Hehehehe.

Fear and Loathing in FantasyLand

In an ideal world, I would like to have our League's auction on the weekend before the games starts.

Why?

1) It helps limit your exposure to inflated pre-season stats.
2) It helps limit the number of times a day you refresh Rotoworld at work, thereby ensuring your continued employment.
3) It helps limit the onset of Fantasy Basketball Fear and Loathing.

Allow me to explain. This year I finally got my act together for the auction -- no small feat considering my atrocious 2005 and 2006 results. I left Chicago (the site of this year's auction) feeling content, optimistic, and slightly, if prematurely, cocky.

Here's NeverWon's roster as currently constructed:

Raymond Felton
(Cha - PG,SG)

Manu Ginobili
(SA - SG)

Paul Pierce
(Bos - SG,SF)

Josh Smith
(Atl - SG,SF)

David Lee
(NY - SF,PF)

Josh Childress
(Atl - SG,SF)

Amare Stoudemire
(Pho - C)

Tyson Chandler
(NO - C)

Stephon Marbury
(NY - PG)

Steve Francis
(Hou - PG)

Robert Swift
(Sea - C)

Tayshaun Prince
(Det - SF)

Given the state of my core 3 (Amare, Pierce, J Smoove), my core 5 (Amare, Pierce, J Smoove, Ginobili, Chandler), and my core 8 (Amare, Pierce, J Smoove, Ginobili, Chandler, Felton, Lee, Childress) I feel relatively confident that my typically savvy in-season moves will give me the firepower to contend. For more on the concept of the "Core," click here.

But then Fantasy Basketball Fear and Loathing sets in.

It starts slowly. An article here about Robert Swift not playing the second night of back-to-backs. An article there about Steve Francis being out of shape and not grasping Rick Adelman's offence.

"But they aren't my core players" you say to anyone who will listen. It doesn't matter.

Fast forward to Saturday night at your local bar where the Flux is explaining how great his fantasy team is. Ahh, time for taking, you think!

Except then you say you Core 5 out loud.

"Amare"
"Pierce"
"Josh Smith"
"Chandler"
"Ummmmm, Ginobili?"

A steak-dinner bet later (most wins in the regular season) and you've got a case of full Fantasy Basketball Fear and Loathing.

The only balm? More Josh Smith!

That feels better. Sort of.

YouTube Mr. League Group Created

As obsessive as this league is, we're all going stir-crazy eagerly anticipating the regular season tip off. We can't even watch preseason games since the dictators who contol League Pass have kept every preseason game off the air, save for the few games played in Europe. For that, we offer them a huge two-fisted middle finger salute.

So to pass the time and satiate our basketball fix, we've started emailing YouTube highlights of our players to each other. However, it's been quickly discovered that no one wants to just receive clips of another team's players (I'm looking at you NeverWon and your brand new Josh Smith infatuation. How is it even possible that you have never seen him play before?!? But that's a topic for another day).

To remedy the situation and encourage even more basketball watching among the league, I created a YouTube group for this league and blog entitled "Mr. League Fantasy Basketball." Catchy, right? I encourage all of you to join ASAP right here and begin posting clips that are:

1) Basketball highlights
2) Relevant to the league or we would all enjoy (no porn though, Moop)

Please try to limit the number of karaoke clips to less than one per day -- unless it's a Same Sex Meatloaf performance. The world needs more of that duo's karaoke goodness. Anwyay, let's try to have some fun with this.

And lastly, don't post the auction video. Bad things, man. Bad things.

All hail Josh Smith

One of NeverWon's fantasy basketball truisms is that you will never love/watch/obsess over players like you do the ones on your team. Hence (like the Weasel likes to say) Darko Milicic, '06-'07.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I've found this season's man crush. J-Smoove, I'll see on you on November 2, 7:30PM against the Mavs.

Until then folks, get your fantasy rocks off on these clips:

Breakdown of commercials photos

Here is abreakdown of the photos from the commercial:

For a breakdown of the individual logos, you will have to wait for the release of the upcoming Player Profiles.