Typical Liberal Media Bullshit

After my weeks of barking and chest-puffing, I finally sealed the first deal of the season. I would like to thank my trading partner TBS, as well as the other folks who helped me along the way. I could not have gotten a real Center without you. I'd also like to thank Jesus, for whom all praise is due.

However, despite all the joy and back-patting and dick-sucking, there is one thorn in my side that I'd like to let breathe.

Email to Cardeef from Never Won (prior to trade):
"If [TBS] accepts [that] trade I’ll fly to Chicago and kill him."

Email to The Miser from Never Won (after the trade):
"And there goes TBS, just running his fucking team the way it wants to be run. Unreal."

Can someone tell me what in the hell is going on there?

Blogging is Bad For Your Health

Down goes Arenas! Down goes Arenas!



Surgery was performed this morning by team physician Dr. Martin Connell. Here is his assessment of the situation: "I repaired a partial tear of Gilbert's left meniscus. In addition he had a non-weight bearing articular surface defect in the tibia treated by microfracture. We are optimistic that he will be able to return to action in three months."

There is one major thing wrong with this statement: microfracture surgery doesn't equal three months. We can interpret this two ways.

1) There must be a new or different use for the surgical procedure known as microfracture. Since microfracture is actually an accurate description of what happens in the surgery, perhaps this method is used in other ways than the promotion of cartilage growth. If the part of the bone is non-weight bearing, maybe the recovery time is much shorter.

2) Gilbert is fucked. He had microfracture surgery on a very, very small area of his knee, but three months is extremely optimistic if it is indeed microfracture surgery in the sense we've come to know it.



Enjoy the Losers Bracket, Blue Balls. Perhaps you should have pulled the trigger on that Joe Johnson offer.



By the way, excellent premonition, Never Won. Wrong superstar, same result though.

Only in Dreams

This is NeverWon, reporting live from Boston, home of the 2007-2008 World Champion Boston Cel...errrr, ok, not yet.

Anywho, last night I had some crazy dreams.

The first one was that I unleashed a profanity-laced tirade on my boss. I'm pretty sure I had the same dream later that night, although in analyzing the two dreams now, it's possible they were all part of one long, intense dream sequence. Like the Wizard of Oz. Or

The second (or third?) dream was that Yao went down with a major, major injury.

Considering that I'm like one more "Hey NeverWon, did you get a chance to do that report we talked about," from releasing said profanity-laced tirade on my boss, I suppose it's entirely possible that Yao goes down with an injury. Tonight. On ESPN.

I'll be watching.

A few final points about this post:

1) It's taboo to openly root for injuries to happen to players not on your team. I get that. But this was a dream. Just call me Joseph when they're helping Yao off the court in the near future.

2) If LeaguePass offered a "one week" option, I'd be buying it right now for my parents' place.

3) The night before Thanksgiving typically brings one of NeverWon's top-10-drunk-nights-of-the-year. I'm not sure where that fits here but I felt it was worth mentioning.

Questions of questions

As we prepare to make our partial league trip to the Izod Center to watch the Nets get crushed by yet another annoying and cocky Boston sports franschise, several questions swirl around inside my head:

- how many players can I pick up off the waiver wire that I will loath within the following 48 hours?

- when, oh god, will Chris Kaman's agreement with Satan expire?

- can I get The Flux to trade him to me in exchange for Plaxico Burress?

- is it weird that, as I type these words, Never Won is standing behind me pretending to hump my door in his boxers?

- why is my team so good and yours so bad?

Also, The Miser is wasted--WASTED!--and we haven't even left for the game yet. Thought the Weasel would enjoy that tidbit.

Another Convert to the Darko Side

As many of you are aware, there exists a rather large, totally inexplicable man-crush on one Darko Milicic by myself, Never Won and the Mullets. It often manifests itself in the form of excessive yelling and cursing at the TV for every Pistons/Magic/Grizzlies game Darko has ever played or in a series of morning emails between the aforementioned trio. We never could understand why most everyone else was so quick to label him a bust, when it was clear the talent was there but the coaches he played for and situations he played in were never condusive to his unique abilities (like cursing in a way that would make a sailor blush).

But now that he's in Memphis and there's a coach who understands him and let's him play his game, which involves posterizing the shit out of Tim Duncan, the man-crush is spreading quicker than a San Diego wildfire. What? Too soon?

Witness Memphis Grizzlies blogger Chris Herrington's post on Above The Rim

As for Darko: Is it too early to proclaim him the best center in Memphis Grizzlies history? The competition certainly isn’t stiff for that honor, but through three regular-season games, Darko is proving to be a wise free-agent acquisition. If his 15-point, 10-rebound, 2-block performance can become a regular occurrence — and clearly it can — then it will go a long way to making the Grizzlies a pretty good team this year.

Free Darko!

How Not to Blog

I am the king of not blogging.

This may seem oxymoronic (or just moronic) considering I started this blog and also write for another one – The Flux has a love/hate relationship with DroppingDimes.com – but it is 100 percent true. I like the idea of blogging. I often come up with ideas to write about. I help others with their blog posts. I have even made notes for a post on more than one occasion this week but for whatever reason, I don’t finish the post. This drives Never Won crazy to no end. Perhaps this is why I never post…

But as bad as I am by not blogging, there are others who are far worse because they do blog. Prime Example A is Orlando Sentinel reporter and Orlando Magic “blogger” – I use that term more loosely than Moop’s prick uses a Magnum condom – Brian Schmitz. You see, Schmitz has a "Magic Basketblog" that I used yesterday because it contained information on my PG Jameer Nelson. I was debating starting Nelson or Monta Ellis, who Don Nelson in his infinite senile wisdom decided to deem him the backup PG that day. That should last about as long as the 12th man on The Misers roster.



Anywho, this is what Schmitz wrote at 12:59 p.m.:

"Point guard Jameer Nelson will play, although his mouth is still sore after taking an elbow to the face from Bo Outlaw that knocked him a little silly."

Since this was the first mention of this incident on the entire internet, I figured it wasn't a big deal -- especially since he clearly states Jameeracle will play. As a result, after not seeing any new info by 6pm, I made my decision to go with the starter in Nelson and reserve Ellis for the evening and promptly went to dinner.

Upon arriving home fully satitated and partially intoxicated, I fired up StatTracker per the norm. To my surprise and quickly escalating hate, I was rudely greeted with the word "Bench" next to Nelson's name, which as most fantasy basketball players know is roughly equivolent to getting ass-raped by a baseball bat -- sideways. So not only was I forced to stare at Nelson's name on my starting roster, but I then couldn't fully enjoy watching Monta Ellis explode for 22 points (3-4 3PT), 6 boards, 3 steals and 2 blocks as he wallowed away on my bench. Now couple this with my opponent MAMA LOOCH suffering through what was easily the worst night of the season and begin to feel my frustration. (LOOCH, you should blog about Bosh, Okafor and Bargnani combining for 6 points, 12 rebounds, 1 block and 5 TOs.)

Not knowing how Nelson couldn't have played after reading Schmitz's blog, I checked it again looking for a late breaking update I might have missed between 6 and 6:55pm -- the last time I could make a substitution to my lineup in time for the 7pm game. This is what I saw:

"Magic point guard Jameer Nelson is suffering from concussion-like symptoms and will be held out of tonight's game against the Minnesota Timberwolves as a precaution. Nelson was inadvertently hit in the jaw by teammate Bo Outlaw in Monday's practice and woke up Tuesday with a slight headache. General Manager Otis Smith said the team made the game-time decision because Nelson had sustained a concussion 13 months ago in training camp in Jacksonville, colliding with teammate Dwight Howard in a scrimmage."

Post time: 7:11 pm.

Thanks for blogging, Schmuck, er, Schmitz. You're a real pro.

The Pilgrimage

Several times a year, BTE and the Mighty Mullets board a train in Philadelphia to make the obligatory pilgrimage to Mr. League Central.

Mr. League Central is hallowed grounds. Located at 14th Street and Avenue A, it is the storied sight of some the greatest moments in Mr. League history.

Stuy Town, as it is known, ushered in the auction era and continues to chronicle Mr. League auction history as the official archive of “the sheets.”

It is where The Misers stabbed the Mullets in the back like a modern day Brutus.

During the Mr. League VI auction weekend, the first ever official trophy awarding ceremony took place. It was gingerly passed from The Misers to Mama Looch and finally to The Mullets. That was back when BTE still had an asterisk next to his name which has since been moved to the Misers.

Mr. League Central is where "the bet" between Never Won and Mama Looch was executed. It continues today as an inflation adjusted wager that Never Won will never win.

During the Mr. League V auction, Flux introduced the most sophisticated draft/auction algorithm this side of a Bangladesh call center. Today it is known simply as The Matrix (oops, sorry Shawn).

Mr. League Central is where Weasel a/k/a Yom Kippur at Joel’s paved a bold new path on auction bidding by jumping $20 on an injured Amare Stoudamire. Today that theory has morphed into the “introduce-high” approach to auctioning.

Three of Mr. League’s most dedicated competitors live there as keepers. It started with Never Won, then the Misers moved in and now Cardeef calls it home. The three of them, like Knights of the Fantasy Hardwood.

Each trip to Mr. League Central is different, but each always includes Croc Lounge, Super Smash Brothers (Kirby Laugh), yelling and fantasy basketball.

And, most importantly, a shitload of stat tracker.

Five days until the pilgrimage.

Roll Mullets.

Wager of the Night

As is tradition in Mr. League, nothing is settled without raised voices, politically incorrect insults and a burning desire to rip out the other person's eyes and skull-fuck their head. So instead we often resort to bets to resolve our disputes. The anger instantly dissolves and is quickly replaced by all-knowing goofy grins and the inner-Jew greed, not for the idea of more money coming my way mind you, but as a vehicle for proving my fantasy basketball knowledge is superior to all others. Cause that's what life is all about, bro.

This morning, Never Won made a bold and incorrect proclamation (as is his norm) that he had the best lineup going tonight. Knowing I too had a fully, I instantly disagreed. Sniffing a chance to prove my superiority, I used the one word that guaranteed a bet would be forthcoming. See if you can spot the word. Here is the conversation and resulting wager:

Never Won: just look at my lineup tonight
best lineup going

BTE: aren't you proud?
way to jinx it
I would argue mine is stronger

Never Won: lemme check

BTE: but i see it's your top 8
i'm not sure if this is my top 8 or not
but i am so better

Never Won: 0 chance your 8 tonight is better than my 8

BTE: should we bet on it?
i will win 5 or more cats
i don't even remember who you have tonight and it doesn't matter
let's bet
pussy

Never Won: tonight?
i'm down
20 bucks
blog it

With the bet in place, it was time to spew more smack talk:

Never Won: YAAAA
you are so fucked

BTE: your overconfidence amuses me
you have no chance

Never Won: YOU HAVE NO SHOT
HAVE YOU SEEN MY LINEUP
i might get 100 rebounds tonight
new record

BTE: not a new record
my team isn't a slouch when it comes to rebounds. i do have the best rebounder in the league

Never Won: i have the best rebounder in the league!
i feel another bet coming on!

BTE: sorry bro
KG has proved it year after year
Chandler was second last year -- and you didn't even know it

Never Won: TRUE THAT BRO!
i knew the other top 5

BTE: if a guy so much as sneezes on my team, i know it


Pumpkin Head didn't even realize his player was top 5 in rebounding when asked by The Misers the other night...

The lineups:

Never Won:

PG Raymond Felton
SG Manu Ginobili
G Stephon Marbury
SF Josh Smith
PF David Lee
F Paul Pierce
C Amare Stoudemire
C Tyson Chandler

Best Team Ever:

PG Joe Johnson
SG Monta Ellis
G Leandro Barbosa
SF Andre Iguodala
PF Kevin Garnett
F Ike Diogu
C Andris Biedrins
C LaMarcus Aldridge

Weigh in with who will in the comments. Cause interacting is fun!

Live Blogging Halftime Discussions

Who is going to have more 20-20 games this season, Dwight Howard or Al Jefferson?
Mullets: Dwight Howard, wait, oh gosh, I don't know. But some is going to have a 30-rebound game.

LaMarcus Aldridge is an absolute beast. If he's doing this against Tim Duncan and San Antonio, what's he going to do against division rivals the Clippers, Sonics, Lakers and Warriors?

Doesn't Joel Przybilla look good? A hell of a lot better than Channing Frye. Isn't that right, BurningSensation? After a phone call from the BurningSensation discussing Channing Frye's abysmal first half, we may have our first paid transaction! Whaa-hoooo!

That is of course if the Mullets don't pull the trigger first with Zaza. He spent the first ten minutes of halftime researching him, but couldn't pull the trigger. He had to keep reminding himself of the mantra: "That would be borrowing a play out of Never Won's playbook." Considering the team name, we all know that isn't good for anything.

Roll Mr. League VII

Professionally speaking, I manage the distribution of hundreds of millions of dollars. Nevertheless, I spent all day today thinking about what product Dirkilicious uses in his hair before road games.

Then, the Foye news hit. It took all of my strength not to drop him. The only thing that is keeping Foye on my team right now is the absolute certainty that if I drop him, I have borrowed a play from Never Won's playbook (a/k/a Loser's Row). If Foye hits the waiver wire, Mikey's Roofies will definitely pick him up. I don't want to get Roofied.

Can this season start already? PLEASE!

Roll Mullets

Fantasy Basketball Observations from the 1st Half of the Michigan Game

So the Mighty Mullets and BTE skipped heading over to the worst bar in the world, the Fox and Hound in Philadelphia, for the Michigan game to instead watch at home and discuss fantasy basketball. Here are some of our observations and stories recalled from the first half:

Josh Brogan’s name is actually Paul Brogan (see this comment by The Mullets). To hype us up before meeting for the Michigan game, we watched his basketball rap video. Which is awesome.

The Mullets says he has watched the video at least 40 times. He has forced his wife to watch it twice. She was only more disturbed by Never Won’s camel toe.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Upon looking at the available crop of centers, we were scrolling through the names and Stromile Swift made me scream out loud. Mullets properly observed that I should use an old Never Won strategy (or is it a maneuver?) and “hedge my bet” by picking him up to pair with Darko Milicic. Too bad Slomile Shit is on my five-year banned list.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Speaking of good observations: “Look at the last five yards of this play, that’s the difference between mere mortals and Mario Manningham.” – Brain-dead announcer doing the Michigan game.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Misers made a distressing call late yesterday evening to pour his heart out to “the yin to his yang,” The Mullets. Here is a sampling of the quotes:

"Did you see Mike Conley is third string."

"I shouldn’t have taken Ben Wallace. He’s old now, I was nervous at the auction. After all of this preparation, my team is in trouble."

Finally he dropped the doozey, “Do you have any tips for me?” To which the Mighty Mullets replied something to the effect of “There is no way I’m helping you this year especially after last year when I told you the players I was interested in and you went and picked them up.”

For those who don’t recall this incident, this is a classic Misers dick move. He excused himself from the room quickly after this discussion with the Mullets under the ruse that he was going to check the news and slyly added Jason Richardson and Brevin Knight, both set to come back from injuries. He comes back into the room two minutes later with a scrooge look on his face declaring “I just made some moves!!” Dick, dick, dick.

YouTube Mr. League Group Created

As obsessive as this league is, we're all going stir-crazy eagerly anticipating the regular season tip off. We can't even watch preseason games since the dictators who contol League Pass have kept every preseason game off the air, save for the few games played in Europe. For that, we offer them a huge two-fisted middle finger salute.

So to pass the time and satiate our basketball fix, we've started emailing YouTube highlights of our players to each other. However, it's been quickly discovered that no one wants to just receive clips of another team's players (I'm looking at you NeverWon and your brand new Josh Smith infatuation. How is it even possible that you have never seen him play before?!? But that's a topic for another day).

To remedy the situation and encourage even more basketball watching among the league, I created a YouTube group for this league and blog entitled "Mr. League Fantasy Basketball." Catchy, right? I encourage all of you to join ASAP right here and begin posting clips that are:

1) Basketball highlights
2) Relevant to the league or we would all enjoy (no porn though, Moop)

Please try to limit the number of karaoke clips to less than one per day -- unless it's a Same Sex Meatloaf performance. The world needs more of that duo's karaoke goodness. Anwyay, let's try to have some fun with this.

And lastly, don't post the auction video. Bad things, man. Bad things.