Monday, October 15, 2007

Stats I'd like to see

Back in the day, when NeverWon was spending time living life in Philly, I'd think of letters I'd want to write.

For example:

Dear Upstairs Neighbors,

When you walk across the floor like that, it makes me want to kill you.



Well, one of the letters I did write was to the NBA. You see, there was a game where Yao knocked the ball away from the post player and it ended up in T-Mac's waiting (yet strangely non-arthritic) hands.

Who got credit for the steal? T-Mac.

Who should've gotten credit for the steal? Yao.

Right then and there, I created a new statistical category: The half-steal. As far as new inventions go, I'd rank the half-steal thusly:

1) The Wheel
2) The Half-Steal
3) The personal computer
4) The Lightbulb

I wrote a letter to the NBA. They said they'd take it under advisement. 'Natch.

As time progressed and I watched Deron Williams pass the ball over and over to AK-47, only to have AK-47 brick shots like a 5th-grade girls team, I created another statistical category -- the Blown Assist.

Here's the invention list revision, the Blown Assist included.

1) The Wheel
2) The Half-Steal
3) The Blown Assist
4) The personal computer
5) The Lightbulb
6) The iPod (iPod added to clearly mark the passage of time)

Now I was able to watch games unburdened by the failures of my own players to get stats in the more "relevant" categories -- points, rebounds, assists, etc. Instead, I counted my favorite categories -- the Half Steal and the Blown Assist.

Why bring this up now? Well, it seems as though NBA players are in favor of new categories!

Witness Jameer Nelson's (Editor's Note: not the same as Lebron's "I am a Witness" Nike campaign) creation of the Hockey Assist category.

Well done Jameer! NeverWon salutes you.


Best Team Ever said...

Great story. Except you didn't come up with those cats all by your lonesome. I know because I was there helping you create them, you selfish fool. In an article that discusses the half-steal, one would think you'd divvy up the credit appropriately...

Anonymous said...

After cohabitating with NeverWon and then living in the very same Philadelphia room that NeverWon once domiciled in, I think I can offer this nugget of truth about his so-called inventions:

The only thing in life that he can truly take full credit for is the "thrower's retrieve". If there isn't an element of maximizing involved, he didn't make it up by himself.

Cardiff Giant said...

I beg to differ...he can also take credit for the left pivot from the toilet into the shower.

Mighty Mullets said...


Let me offer the following corrections:

1. I coined the term "left foot pivot." In fact, I think Never Won still mistakenly believes it was a right foot pivot. Nevertheless, he did concoct the underlying maneuver.

2. Never Won DID invent the "re-move". Perhaps he can blog about the attributes of this move and how it continues to help him never win.

-Mighty Mullets

Cardiff Giant said...

regardless, he's gross