Friday, November 30, 2007

Trade Analysis

Let's go up to booth for some further review on this one.

The participants:

The Burning Sensation receives:

Ed Curry, C
Ray Allen, SG

Cardiff Giant receives:

Zydrunas, C
Stephen "Motherfucker" Jackson, GF

League-wide sentiment seems to be mixed. TheMisers and the Mighty Mullets put a check mark in TBS' box. Loser's Row and Best Team Ever like this trade for Cardiff.

Poobie is busy buying Dixie cups by the pallet and can't be bothered.

Here are some choice lines culled from email that help explain further:

"Exchanging a cancer like Curry for a cancer like Jackson is still just cancer." -- Mighty Mullets. A fair point.

"Captain Jack is a lot better than people realize." -- Best Team Ever

Here's how I break it down: Ray Allen was superfluous to Cardiff giant -- guard heavy (Baron, Iverson, T-Mac), solid in points and assists. Cardeef was clearly lacking at the C spot with Diaw, Haywood, Sean Williams, previously Curry, and Boozer -- a 3-category PF with C eligibility.

Cardeef makes a huge improvement in his C spot which is always difficult to do. Like in any trade you've got to give to get so he had to take on some pretty atrocious percentages from a real jacker like Stephen Jackson but he makes it up with his nice rebounding, assists, and steals which strengthens already strong cats for Cardeef.

I don't really understand this trade from TBS' side. Why weaken yourself at C in exchange for Ray Allen when you've already got a strong SG lineup -- D. Wade, Josh Howard, and formerly Stephen Jackson?

But like we always say, every trade needs two willing partners. And we know there's no more willing a partner to trade with Cardiff then his old friend The Burning Sensation.

Typical Liberal Media Bullshit

After my weeks of barking and chest-puffing, I finally sealed the first deal of the season. I would like to thank my trading partner TBS, as well as the other folks who helped me along the way. I could not have gotten a real Center without you. I'd also like to thank Jesus, for whom all praise is due.

However, despite all the joy and back-patting and dick-sucking, there is one thorn in my side that I'd like to let breathe.

Email to Cardeef from Never Won (prior to trade):
"If [TBS] accepts [that] trade I’ll fly to Chicago and kill him."

Email to The Miser from Never Won (after the trade):
"And there goes TBS, just running his fucking team the way it wants to be run. Unreal."

Can someone tell me what in the hell is going on there?

Thursday, November 29, 2007

What A Beautiful Mind

Many people, places and things annoy the crap out of me. Few put a smile on my face. One thing that performed the latter occurred last night during the Kings-Warriors game.

Ron Artest got fouled hard on his way to the hoop by none other than his crazy Wonder-Twin-activate-form-of-.44-magnum, Steven Jackson. As Artest eerily approached the foul line and took three solid dribbles, a graphic flashed up on the screen next to his viscious scowl.

Nickname: "Ron-Ron"
College: St. John's
Major: Mathematics

Terrified. Mortified. Petrified. Stupefied... by you.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Post-Thanksgiving Power Rankings

I hope you all had a good holiday. I’ll try and keep these short:

#1 - Moop Resurrected (1)
Good: Just about everyone is playing strong except for
Bad: Odom, Randolph, Okur, Richardson

#2 - Mikey's Roofies (4)
Good: Big 3, Udrih
Bad: Bell, Collison, Perkins, JC

#3 - Loser's Row (2)
Good: Josh Smith, Ginobili
Bad: Stro Swift, Josh Smith

#4 - Cardiff Giant (8)
Good: Best 1 thru 5 in Mr. League
Bad: Worst 7 thru 12

#5 - The Flux (2)
Good: Kaman, Damien Wilkins
Bad: Dalembert, Vince, Theo Ratliff

#6 - Mama Looch (6)
Good: Duncan, Terry, Calderon
Bad: Andre Miller, Villanueva, Law IV

#7 - The Misers (5)
Good: Chris Paul, Kirilenko
Bad: Ben Wallace

#8 - Best Team Ever (9)
Good: Garnett, Barbosa, Joe Johnson
Bad: Iguodala, Darko

#9 - The Burning Sensation (12)
Good: Stephen Jackson, Al Jefferson, C Butler
Bad: Hinrich, that’s about it

#10 - Mighty Mullets (7)
Good: Deron Williams, Bynum, Granger
Bad: Nenad, Gasol, Yi

#11 - Yom Kippur at Joel's (11)
Good: Shaq, Kobe, Kidd, Artest?
Bad: Przybilla, Ty Thomas, KD? (Artest?)

#12 - Blue Balls (10)
Good: Brewer, Harrington
Bad: Gil and several other injuries

That’s it. More next week.

Well then...

I think we'd all agree, it's time for a new robe:

If you're going to cry, cry on the inside.

Life as a Josh Smith owner is like that Coldplay song.
Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard.
On the one hand, there's the 3.7 blocks, 1.9 steals, 7.3 rebounds, and 17.5 points a game. Plus he was just given PF eligibility in our Yahoo! league.

On the other hand, the hand bloodied, bruised, and battered from abusing your over-sized dome, there's the 36.9% field goal percentage (on almost 15 shots a game), the 20% 3pt% and the 74.5% FT% (which is actually a career high).

He has games this year of 13-22 FG, 6-10 FG, 6-12 FG, and 5-9 FG. Those are "balanced" by 2-14, 4-17, 3-16, 3-13, 6-14, 4-17 (again), and 5-16 field goal nights.

I watched last night to see what the problem is.

Here's my diagnosis: HE CAN'T SHOOT. AT ALL. He has two shots in his repertoire -- a long-range jumper that almost always clanks off the back rim and a running, left-handed, half hook shot. That's it. No put-backs, no mid-range game, nothing.

But I love him still. I'm like a battered woman. For Christmas I'm getting him this instructional DVD:

I'd get him "Scoring without the Ball" but there's no way he's ready for that.

Eat Your Words

Classic Cardeef. Puff the chest, drop an F-Bomb and accuse everyone else for not "manning up."

Cardeef proposed trading his AI and Sean Williams for my Dirk and Pau.

Honestly, if Cardeef is tired of being "good on paper," he should come up with a better proposal.

I'd Say You Had Enough

Let's call it growing pains. The fact that now in the seventh year of this league no one can execute a fucking trade. All but two managers hate their teams--and we're just a Marcus Camby knee explosion and the expiration of some Satan contracts away from making it a full slate. Everyone is complaining, but no one will fucking trade.

I'll take it one step further. No one will even discuss a trade. "I'm open to offers." "Sure I'm listening." Fuck you, asshole. No one is listening. No one is doing a goddamned thing. It's like every person is frozen in total fear of being raped in a deal. We all know the abuse involved with trading a Josh Smith for a Ray Felton. A Deron Williams for an Andrew Bogut. Or even an Allen Iverson for an Andrei Kirilenko. No one wants the abuse invloved with such a catastrofuck. Instead we all stand around brushing each other's teeth with our dicks and gargling cum. Yeah, I said it.

Man up you fuckers and make a deal.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Abba Zabba you're my only friend

It saddens me on this fine Thanksgiving day after Thanksgiving to actually sit down and confront the loss of my favorite basketball player for a three-month span. That of course did not stop me from picking up Antonio Daniels immediately, cause fuck Poobie, that's why. While I will appreciate the finer things associated with AD as a starter, I am certain to miss the random antics of the man that respresents everything that's right in sports today. So in honor of your hero and mine:

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Blogging is Bad For Your Health

Down goes Arenas! Down goes Arenas!

Surgery was performed this morning by team physician Dr. Martin Connell. Here is his assessment of the situation: "I repaired a partial tear of Gilbert's left meniscus. In addition he had a non-weight bearing articular surface defect in the tibia treated by microfracture. We are optimistic that he will be able to return to action in three months."

There is one major thing wrong with this statement: microfracture surgery doesn't equal three months. We can interpret this two ways.

1) There must be a new or different use for the surgical procedure known as microfracture. Since microfracture is actually an accurate description of what happens in the surgery, perhaps this method is used in other ways than the promotion of cartilage growth. If the part of the bone is non-weight bearing, maybe the recovery time is much shorter.

2) Gilbert is fucked. He had microfracture surgery on a very, very small area of his knee, but three months is extremely optimistic if it is indeed microfracture surgery in the sense we've come to know it.

Enjoy the Losers Bracket, Blue Balls. Perhaps you should have pulled the trigger on that Joe Johnson offer.

By the way, excellent premonition, Never Won. Wrong superstar, same result though.

Only in Dreams

This is NeverWon, reporting live from Boston, home of the 2007-2008 World Champion Boston Cel...errrr, ok, not yet.

Anywho, last night I had some crazy dreams.

The first one was that I unleashed a profanity-laced tirade on my boss. I'm pretty sure I had the same dream later that night, although in analyzing the two dreams now, it's possible they were all part of one long, intense dream sequence. Like the Wizard of Oz. Or

The second (or third?) dream was that Yao went down with a major, major injury.

Considering that I'm like one more "Hey NeverWon, did you get a chance to do that report we talked about," from releasing said profanity-laced tirade on my boss, I suppose it's entirely possible that Yao goes down with an injury. Tonight. On ESPN.

I'll be watching.

A few final points about this post:

1) It's taboo to openly root for injuries to happen to players not on your team. I get that. But this was a dream. Just call me Joseph when they're helping Yao off the court in the near future.

2) If LeaguePass offered a "one week" option, I'd be buying it right now for my parents' place.

3) The night before Thanksgiving typically brings one of NeverWon's top-10-drunk-nights-of-the-year. I'm not sure where that fits here but I felt it was worth mentioning.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Oh What A Night

The five things you don't want to hear while watching your players:

1. And that's two early fouls on [insert player name].

2. With his team up by 30 points going into the fourth, that'll be it for [insert player name].

3. He just looks awful, I wouldn't be surprised if we don't see [insert player name] for the rest of the night.

4. And [insert player name] is getting up slowly, he went down grabbing that knee and--ouch that looked bad.

5. Yikes, I hope you don't have [insert player name] on your fantasy squad.


Lakers trade Brian Cook and Mo Evans to Orlando for Trevor Ariza . . . Let's PICK 'EM UP!

Power Rankings With a Twist

A new twist this week, just to keep things original – I am highlighting each team’s ‘best’ and ‘worst’ picks at the auction. This week's rankings are brought to you by Devastatin' Dave the Turntable Slave (say no to drugs!)

#1 - Moop Resurrected (2)
Best Pick: Richard Jefferson $4 – 24ppg is good for 8th in the league right now, and his percentages are strong. Kevin Martin has impressed as well, but Jefferson was an absolute steal.
Worst Pick: Jason Richardson $19 – right now he’s playing like a poor man’s Dick Jefferson, but he cost almost five times as much. His value so far comes from 3PT% and some steals, he’ll need to pick up his scoring and rebounding. His 56% from the line makes D Howard look good.

#2 - The Flux (1)
Best Pick: Chris Kaman $6 – so far the steal of the draft overall, Kaman has been beastly on the boards, grabbing over 13 per game. He’s also added scoring to his repertoire, and has greatly improved in blocks as well as FT. Yahoo ranks him as the 2nd best center so far this year. Honorable mention goes to Rashard Lewis, the most efficient scorer in the NBA.
Worst Pick: Samuel Dalembert $10 – for 4 straight seasons he’s been projected to take the step to the next level… and for 4 straight seasons he has disappointed.

#3 - Loser's Row (8)
Best Pick: Manu Ginobili $7 – Currently the 4th ranked player in Yahoo, Ginobili has improved almost every aspect of his game this year, while still averaging under 29 minutes. Generally one of the most overlooked fantasy players, Manu is beginning to turn some heads and should not be ignored.
Worst Pick: Stephon Marbury $5 – Another year of regression for 30-year-old Stephon, not to mention he’s also un-coachable. The Knicks need to learn a lesson from Marbury’s last 3 teams, get rid of him and you’re a playoff team!

#4 - Mikey's Roofies (3)
Best Pick: Marcus Camby $50 – Currently the top ranked center in Yahoo, it’s only a matter of time before he breaks a finger or a hip due to advanced, degenerative Marfan Syndrome.
Worst Pick: Raja Bell $2 – not a huge gamble, but frustrating injuries and shot selection have given him negative value in this league.

#5 - The Misers (9)
Best Pick: Andrei Kirilenko $14 – would have been Paul but for the injury, so by default Kirilenko becomes the Miser’s value pick. He’s stuffing the stat line once again – he ranks 3rd overall in the league with 2.8 blocks, and his 6.2 assists are 2nd best among forwards.
Worst Pick: Ben Wallace $14 – he’s starting to show some flashes, but the Bulls really need to start picking things up very soon. Big Ben is shooting 36% from the field and the free throw line.

#6 - Mama Looch (6)
Best Pick: Jason Terry $18 – His percentages have always been solid, but right now they’re almost tops in the league (besides Nash). He’s thriving in the bench role for Dallas, averaging a career high 20.4ppg.
Worst Pick: Andrea Bargnani $5 – looks like everyone’s auction sleeper isn’t quite ready to take that next step. I still predict a late-season surge from the gangly Roman, though.

#7 - Mighty Mullets (4)
Best Pick: Andrew Bynum $2 – Barely 20 years old and nearly averaging a double-double, there’s nowhere to go but up for this youngster. His situation can only get better because the bums he competes with for minutes (Mihm, Brown) will soon fade. Granger and Gay are both worth a mention here, too.
Worst Pick: Pau Gasol $71 – The wily Spaniard is trying to avoid career-lows in just about every statistical category with the Memphis offense operating at full Gay.

#8 - Cardiff Giant (5)
Best Pick: Brendan Haywood $3 – Looks like the injury to Etan Thomas makes Haywood a viable fantasy center for the first time ever. The 7th year veteran is no star, but he is finally getting consistent minutes for Washington, which is the difference.
Worst Pick: Marco Bellinelli $1 – funny name, but not yet ready for the big time.

#9 - Best Team Ever (11)
Best Pick: Leandro Barbosa $5 – Extra opportunities due to injuries have given him the chance to shoot the lights out in Phoenix. He should be starting alongside Nash, regardless of Raja Bell’s injury status.
Worst Pick: Andre Iguodala $59 – Still averaging 5+ turnovers, and he hasn’t improved his scoring ability from last season.

#10 - Blue Balls (7)
Best Pick: Ronnie Brewer – The reverse accidental pick turns out to be a gem for the Balls. Brewer is 2nd in the league in steals and shooting nearly 52%. Honorable mention to C-eligible Al Harrington, who is having a career year.
Worst Pick: Gilbert Arenas $82 – We didn’t know too much about his injury going into the auction, but now it’s looking like it will affect his performance. I really hope one of the league’s most exciting players can return to top form.

#11 - Yom Kippur at Joel's (12)
Best Pick: Shaquille O’Neal $3 – Still averaging 15 and 7 with nearly 2 blocks and great FG%, apparently the Diesel isn’t just running on fumes. His limited PT means he doesn’t hurt you in FT% or TO’s as much, either.
Worst Pick: Kevin Durant $36 – He’ll be great in at least one category this season – points. Unfortunately, his horrific percentages and turnovers more than negate his positive effect on our favorite Jew team.

#12 - The Burning Sensation (10)
Best Pick: Zydrunas Ilgauskas $5 – The 7-foot-3 Russkie has been sipping from the fountain of youth lately, averaging over 12 boards in his 10th season, having never averaged more than 9 for a season. He’s also playing more minutes than ever before, at age 32. Honorable mention to Al Jefferson, $43 is a steal for a 20 and 11 center.
Worst Pick: Channing Frye $4 – If you count Rasheed, TBS drafted 5 centers on auction day. Four of them are solid as hell, the 5th was a disaster, and was dropped on the first night of the season. Honorable mention to Hinrich and his atrocious shooting numbers, but I believe he will turn it around.

I hope you enjoyed the latest installment of Power Rankings. If you didn’t, well you can start your own Power Rankings, to try and piss me off. It’s not gonna help your team, though…

Monday, November 19, 2007


Three weeks in and things are really starting to heat up! Although not much has changed in the Power Rankings from last week except that Mikey’s Roofies took a tumble, as did MAMA LOOCH while TheBurningSensation and Best Team Ever started to hit their strides. I was wrong, however, about Mighty Mullets as they continued to struggle. I went 3-3 in my predications last week. Turns out T-Mac got injured, as did Vince and Chauncey and MAMA LOOCH just sucks. I provided some extensive comments this week to shut up my only critic so I hope you enjoy them.

Here are the Power Rankings after Week 3 as well as my predictions for the Week 4 winners.

Power Rankings:

#1 – The Flux (2)

I’ll be the first to admit…I think I underestimated The Flux. I didn’t realize that Rashard was this good or that Kaman would fill this much of a void in the absence of Brand. With that said, he needs Billups to remain healthy and Vince to come back soon to stay on top. And while Sammy D needs to shoot better than he has (only 46.5% for the season vs. 54% last year) having Damien “muther fucking” Wilkins dropping 41 should help ease the pain. Flux also needs to pray that Brand doesn’t make a comeback this season, otherwise expect Mr. ADD, along with The Flux, to eventually come back down to earth.

#2 – The Misers (3)

AUCTION ERA no longer! Despite having enormous doubters such as mikey’s roofies, Best Team Ever and Mighty Mullets post auction, The Misers appear to be the real deal. While Chris Paul has been amazing, it’s been the play of AK47 that’s gotten me off to a fast start. Yao, however, needs to be more consistent, Brandon Roy has to start playing like the player I thought he was capable of being and I need something out of my 11th and 12th spots. On a side note, Big Ben made his first appearance of the season on Friday night, which caused the migraines to cease for a day.

#3 – Loser’s Row (4)

Wow. Loser’s Row! What can I say? Josh Smith has been on fire! The great thing about J Smoove is that he could just as easily make his first all-star appearance this season as he could face a season ending suspension for pulling a Ron Artest on Tyronn Lue. Manu has picked off where he left off last season and continues to haunt the Mighty Mullets from last season when he was traded for the now irrelevant Charlie Villanueva. On the bleak side, Steph Marbury continues to terrorize his fantasy owners and Ray Felton can’t shoot for shit. But if Amare comes back strong, it won’t matter because this team could easily propel to number 1 in the standings. MAMA LOOCH, getting nervous yet?

#4 – mikey’s roofies (1)

Well the same man who continued to just flat out dogg The Misers, Loser’s Row and Best Team Ever for weeks has started to show his true colors. And unless pride continues to cloud his judgment, I anticipate that those teams will be ranked much higher this week. Mikey’s Roofies had an abysmal week and should have lost 7-2 to The Misers had Chris Paul not sprained his ankle. Instead he lost 5-4 and is starting to show signs of the team we thought he was -- a 3 headed monster featuring Nash, Camby, Lebron and little else. With the production of $1 steals such as Marvin Williams and Nick Collison starting to decline, I suspect that mikey’s roofies may eventually drop out of the top 6.

#5 – Moop Resurrected (6)

It’s about time I start paying Moop the proper respect he deserves. We all questioned his “patience is a virtue” strategy, but I’m starting to realize that maybe it does make sense to be a little fiscally conservative at the auction after all. Kevin Martin is the real deal…can we agree not to fall asleep on him again next year? Mike Redd and Richard Jefferson have returned to form after coming off injuries last season and Dwight Howard has been a beast. On the downside Mo Williams, Memo Okur and Zach Randolph have been major disappointments. But it’s time to give credit where credit’s due and acknowledge that Moop’s a real player this year and probably shouldn’t be kicked out of the league quite yet.

#6 – Best Team Ever (8)

I’ve been high on BTE since the beginning, putting him #2 in the power rankings before the season began. Barbosa is a god who doesn’t seem to miss, Joe Johnson looks like the real deal, KG is KG, Biedrins had the week of his goddamn life and Jameer Nelson is playing every game as if it were his last in honor of his late father. Alternatively, while Aldridge has been fantastic, he needs to improve his shot blocking and rebounds (I suspect he will) and Iggy needs to start playing like a real 2nd rounder before this team can move up in the charts. Had Joe Dumars known that Darko would take six years to develop, maybe he would’ve drafted Melo instead. Channing Frye makes me not want to be a basketball fan and Grant Hill looked circa 1995 last week.

#7 – TheBurningSensation (10)

I know TBS didn’t have a stellar week, but D Wade is back and albeit not quite healthy will be a huge difference maker for this team. Josh Howard has been great, Al Jefferson has been big and Caron Butler has been playing as expected. Zydrunas must’ve taken some youth pills cause I know TBS didn’t anticipate the lines he’s been putting up thus far. Bogut is starting to come around as well and Peja has been quietly solid. Kirk Hinrich has been god-awful so far, but like Ben Wallace, I anticipate that these guys will turn it around sometime soon. However, don’t’ expect Rasheed Wallace, a career 34% three point shooter, to sustain his incredible percentage going forward (41% so far for the year).

#8 – Cardiff Giant (9)

I know. I know. T-Mac is hurt and that’s why you lost to Yom Kippur at Joel’s. Regardless, there are holes on Cardiff’s team that needs to be addressed asap, namely blocks and rebounds, before he can be considered a top 6 team. Cardiff’s Big 5 should help alleviate some of those concerns as they really are carrying the load (all five are currently ranked above 30 based on yahoo’s averages). On the flip side, Dyess, Fat Man, Diaw, Nocioni and McCants are all struggling to produce enough to push Cardiff up to that next tier. Haywood’s play has been inspiring, which just confirms how excited he must’ve been to hear the news that Etan Thomas went down with a season ending injury and Sean Williams is starting to look like the annual “free agent pickup of the year”.

#9 – Mighty Mullets (7)

The Mighty Mullets are starting to proclaim that it’s a rebuilding year for them, but no one’s buying into it or shedding any tears for him. Dirk has obviously been subpar this season and so has Deron and Gasol, but don’t buy into the Mullet’s sorrow; this team still has tremendous potential and with the likes of Granger and Gay looking like the major auction steals, expect big things from this squad in the near future once the rest of his players start firing on all cylinders. On a side note, Scola is a reach of desperation and Krstic’s play would keep me up at night.

#10 - MAMA LOOCH (5)

MAMA LOOCH is either off to a very slow start or I was dead wrong on this one. I originally pegged his squad to be one of the best-drafted teams in the league this year. With a 3 anchor, “Go Big or Go Home”, Mighty Mulletsesque strategy adopted, I thought the Looch would dominate in rebounds, fg% and blocks every week. That hasn’t been the case as he’s ranked only 6th in FG%, 5th in rebounds and 6th in blocks; and he’s just atrocious in the other categories. Duncan’s best days are behind him, Bosh has been horrific, Mike Miller and Ricky Davis were so last year and Andre Miller and Bargnani just fucking suck. Thank god for Jason Terry though.

#11 – Blue Balls (11)

I have hope for Blue Balls yet (did I just say that?). While his team has been in the gutter for most of the season, supposed stars like Jermaine O’neal, Gilbert Arenas and Gerald Wallace have underperformed. It’s time to buy low on these guys already if you correctly assume that Blue Balls probably doesn’t read this blog. Let’s give this team another week or two though to see if those players start to turn it around before we start completely hatin’ his team. On the bright side, Al Harrington, Ronnie Brewer and Chris Wilcox have been much better than expected. But that again is the bright side.

#12 – Yom Kippur at Joel's (12)

I hate everything about this team to the point I’d prefer not to even write a comment. YKJ does not prepare for the auction and his mediocrity in fantasy basketball has finally come to a head. You can’t show up and shout some numbers and expect to be competitive anymore. It just doesn’t work. With that said, Kobe’s been great (hard to imagine I know), Ron Artest might not go psycho this year and Jason Kidd doesn’t age. Durant was a huge overpay though and was defined by his coach recently as a “volume shooter”. Don’t expect good percentages or stellar weeks when your 3rd highest player is shooting 38% from the floor and 28% from 3pt line. Do some research already!

Week 4 Winners:

The Misers vs. Best Team Ever (BTE) – Will be hard without CP3
mikey’s roofies vs. Loser’s Row (Loser’s Row)
TheBurningSensation vs. MAMA LOOCH (TheBurningSensation)
Moop Resurrected vs. Mighty Mullets (Mighty Mullets)* - I’m expecting an upset
Cardiff Giant vs. The Flux (The Flux) – Will be interesting w/o Vince vs. T-Mac but Flux should come thru.
Blue Balls vs. Yom Kippur at Joel’s (Blue Balls)*

*Pay close attention to this week's key match up. #11 vs. #12. Who will prevail?

Signs your team may be in trouble #48

When an article about one of your "superstars," Chris Bosh has the headline "Bosh in an unfathomable funk."

Oh wait, that's not the problem. It's the picture accompanying the article. A picture which can't really be described in words.

But I will try, for I feel an obligation as your loyal blog servant. So file this one under: "VEALLLLLLLL."

A Kind Request From The Giant

A suggestion, if you will. To those who are using "trade talks" as a false pretense to chit chat or to cure some sordid desire to fuck with people, please just skip over my email in your address book. Consider this a warning because I swear, without a smile on my face or irony in my words, that if you instigate a trade talk (e.g. "who do you want for iverson") then after two hours of discussing players, deals, ex-girlfriends and movies you tell me you have no interest in making a trade (e.g. "sorry, i can't mess with the squad"), violence will occur. In one form or another, the Giant's wrath will be felt. There is nothing worse than giving someone's heart an erection by callously leading them down a path towards a potential season saving trade, only to then flash a viscious grin and throw up on their head.

If you need an outlet for your evil lechery, adopt a puppy and throw it up on the rape stand, because honestly it would be less cruel. And you know who you are.

On another note, did anyone download that "Where Amazing Happens" song? Neither did I.

Week 3 Standings

Saturday, November 17, 2007

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

I get it, NBA League Pass. You want me to have a life. No sense in have Loser's Row sitting at home on a Saturday when there's a whole city of women out there just waiting to do the Dolphin with him.


Now could you please put the Seattle - Charlotte game on. Kthxbai!!!!

Eva Longoria Just Soiled Her Panties

Friday, November 16, 2007

Abracadabra, Bitch!

You are all about to become privy to a very rare occurrence. What follows has only previously been attempted in movies and in Weasel-y emails. I am going to attempt the reverse jinx by telling you all that I am about to jinx myself by bragging about my unmatched acumen for identifying waiver wire pickups. Don't try this at home. Here we go:

Nov 12 5:26pm Andres Nocioni (Chi - SF,PF) Add Free Agents Cardiff Giant

Nov 14 4:06pm Andres Nocioni is likely heading into the Bulls starting lineup and the move could come at the expense of Tyrus Thomas. (via Rotoworld)

Nov 14 10:15pm Sean Williams (NJ - C) Add Free Agents Cardiff Giant

Nov 16 11:22am Nets' rookie Sean Williams has been outstanding for them in his last two games and there is speculation that he could eventually start for the Nets. . . It's possible he could start tonight, but even if he plays well off the bench, it's time to move on him if you need a big man. (via Rotoworld)

Yes, thank you all very much. And please give a round of applause to my lovely assistant, Strawberry Banana. Strawberry, take a bow.

UPDATE: Email from Strawberry Banana: Mama Looch calls me from his DESK at work to ask me to pick up SEAN WILLIAMS off free agents…..he goes before i can say anything, I bet 1000 dollars Cardiff has already picked him up!!!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Some Good Old Fashion Trivia

Fun fact question: What do Richard Jefferson, Dwight Howard, Cuttino Mobley, Grant Hill, Chris Bosh and David Lee all have in common?

Fun fact answer: They were all on Family Feud today playing against their moms.

Family Feud Awkward Edition Awards:

Best Mother's Name: Meekness LeCato (Richard Jefferson's mom)

Whitest Guy on the Team: Richard Jefferson (David Lee was a distant second)

Trying Too Hard To Fit In: David Lee and David Lee's mom (awkwardness personified). David Lee's answer to Something women want close by during a bath: "If she's takin' a bath, she don't want to get too far from those lotions, Bro."

Enjoying Himself Too Much: Cuttino Mobley (dancing around, over-the-top laughing, crossing himself before giving an answer).

Worst Answer: Cuttino Mobley. Something that that a guy would talk about too much a bore and woman on a date: Her body. He said this in front of his mom no less. C'mon bro, how 'bout them lotions.

Looks Most Like Her Son: Dwight Howard's mom. This she-hulk looks like she could snag 20 rebounds herself against Eddy Curry

That's all for this episode of the Feud.

No Wonder the Wizards Won

According to Rotoworld, last night the Wizards were playing 6-on-5.

From our esteemed source of erroneous analysis (numbers added for clarity):

The Wizards played a lineup on Wednesday that featured (1) Gilbert Arenas and (2) Caron Butler in the backcourt with a front line of (3) Antawn Jamison, (4) Brendan Haywood, (5) Andray Blatche and (6)Darius Songaila.
Just your standard fully I suppose.

It's good to see maturity is at an all-time high

Last night a drunk Loser's Row came home around midnight and spent a good 15 minutes yelling the stats of players back and forth with The Misers from their respective rooms.

This did not please Cardiff Giant, already sequestered in his room for the evening.

Loser's Row found this display uproariously funny.

Is there any surprise he has players like John Salmons on his team?

From the Sacramento Bee (I would link to the article but it's behind a stupid subscriber sign-up wall):

Ron Artest returned for the Kings on Wednesday, forcing John Salmons to come off the bench. If his post-game tantrum (leaving the locker room early, storming past reporters and pacing the hallway in frustration) is any indication, he's not happy with the demotion.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Who me?

For an informative look at who the experts think the most valuable players are in the early going, we turn now to In their weekly "Race to the MVP" feature, the league's website has dubbed the following ten players the most superawesome (in reverse order):

10. Steve Nash, PG, Mikey's Roofies
9. Dwight Howard, FC, Moop Resurrected
8. Yao Ming, C, The Misers
7. Tim Duncan, FC, Mama Looch
6. Kobe Bryant, SG, Yom Kippur at Joel's
5. Allen Iverson, G, Cardiff Giant
4. Chris Paul, PG, The Misers
3. Tracy McGrady, GF, Cardiff Giant
2. Carlos Boozer, FC, Cardiff Giant
1. Kevin Garnett, PF, Best Team Ever

Self serving post? You're goddamned right it is. Now someone trade me some fucking blocks and rebounds already, A-Holes.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming... announce that WCS Lending, employer of the Weasel, is now licensed to sell mortgages in the fine state of Pennsylvania.

As you were.

I Want Salmons Tonight, Salmons Tonight

With Ron Artest returning from his 7-game banishment, where is everyone's favorite player, John Salmons, in tonight's starting lineup?

This is from the Sacramento Bee's game preview:
Probable starters

No. Player Pos.

32 Francisco GarcĂ­a PG

23 Kevin Martin SG

93 Ron Artest SF

33 Mikki Moore PF

52 Brad Miller C

I probably just screwed myself Never Won-style by gloating about this and Salmons will be starting over my boy Garcia, however, this is so worth it.

Or Maybe We Should Just Kill Him?

Who among us could say he would not kill to be an NBA player. The money, the fame, the ho interns? Would you turn it down? Well, would you, sir?

Unfortunately, none of us have the size, the talent, the will, the heart, the athleticism, the competitive spirit (aside from Dyl), etc. Well what about blackmail?

"Isiah has to start me," Marbury fumed, according to the source. "I've got so much (stuff) on Isiah and he knows it. He thinks he can (get) me. But I'll (get) him first. You have no idea what I know." --NY Daily News

Atta boy, Steph. You show him. Fuck the conventional methods of success in basketball. Who needs to pass or practice or even play? Let's go old school and burn this mother fucker down. Scumbag.

UPDATE: Oh and it also appears that Eddy Curry is somehow involved in this fucking mess. Not sure what this means for The Fat Man, but now this dirty nonsense is starting to affect my team. If someone would just slather the ball with beef gravy, The Fat Man would undoubtedly lead the league in boards. Do I have to think of everything?

You Know You're Pressing Your Luck When...

The end of your bench looks like this:

DeSagana Diop (Dal - PF,C)
Erick Dampier (Dal - C)

And a happy Dawali to you, ITC.

You Know You Look Indian When....

The coffee cart guy outside your office asks you how your Dawali is going.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Quotes from a night of fantasy basketball

The Misers: "I need this. I need Yao to have a bad game for me. You can't have a player just go through the whole season doing statistically well for you."

Cardeef: "have you really not checked fantasy in two days?"
Blue Balls: "i set my lineup on sunday."

Never Won: "I think Amare purposely misses that initial layup so he can get the rebound and put back . . . I love it"

Mighty Mullets: "Gomes is the kind of deceitful waiver wire whore that looks good when you are drunk."

Weasel: "i enjoy shaq"

And now for an exhibition in delusional trade talk:

Cardeef: vince and dalembert for tmac?
Flux: i think thats reaching
Cardeef: do you?
Flux: yeah
Flux: a lot
Cardeef: well i think it is pretty fair actually
Cardeef: you want me to talk it out with you?
Flux: no...let me take a look, but i was thinking more like rondo and sammy d

Better Power Rankings

Brought to you by Fred "Ogre" Palowalski.

#1 - The Flux (3)
So far, so good. The Flux went with solid all-around guys like Marion and Rashard Lewis, and ranks no lower than 7th in any single category on the season. The Vinsane injury will hurt, but role players like Rondo and Kaman will ease the blow. Heck, Theo Ratliff is averaging 3.5 blocks. So far, this team is charmed.

#2 - Moop Resurrected (2)
Lots of points and rebounds, which is telling. I think this team remains strong throughout the season due to depth – an injury would not derail the Moop because he’s got back-ups at every position, including 3 workable C’s. RJ and Kmart are still tearing shit up. Still, it’s gonna take more than points and rebounds.

#3 - Mikey's Roofies (7)
OK, my team is awesome. There’s no point in being modest anymore.

#4 - Mighty Mullets (1)
Yi’s Drunk Midgets! No? How about Yi’s Drunk Mullets? I still like Danny Granger, and I see a big stretch coming up for Pau Gasol. Still, any manager that holds on to Zaza Pachulia through injury is questionable in my book.

#5 - Cardiff Giant (10)
A solid week from the Giant. However, if your only source of blocks is Brendan Haywood, you might be looking to upgrade at ‘C’.

#6 - Mama Looch (2)
First an up week, then a down week for Andrea B. Duncan, Bosh, and Okafor still look like the best set of C’s in Mr. League, though. Jason Terry should come back down to earth soon.

#7 - Blue Balls (6)
Has only one player averaging less than 13.5ppg (Tinsley). Still, it sounds like Agent Zero’s having some issues, he’ll need to come back strong to right this ship.

#8 - Loser's Row (8)
So far it’s almost a dead heat between Marbury and Josh Smith for asshole of the year.

#9 - The Misers (12)
I know it was a big week for the Mazoors, but I just can’t move up a team that has Wally, Udonis, Kyle Lowry, and Mike Dunleavy on its roster. Talk about a bunch of scrubs.

#10 - The Burning Sensation (9)
Sounds like Wade is close. Peja has proven that sometimes he doesn't suck.

#11 - Best Team Ever (11)
Garnett still dominates, but Iguodala averaging 5 TO’s? Ugh. Aldridge and Barbosa are good and improving, but this team leaves a lot to be desired.

#12 - Yom Kippur at Joel's (10)
The Ron Artest era begins now. We all know what Kobe does, but Kevin Durant is proving he will be a star in the league, and Shaq still has some tank left in the gas. Sign #64 your team might be in trouble: Joel Przybilla leads your squad in boards.

Power Rankings Clarification

There appears to be some confusion as to the methodology of my power rankings. I would like to thank Cardeef for pointing this out and on both gchat as well as on this blog so I will now take the time to clarify how the process works. It all starts with my original post auction power rankings. This is my base as it reflects the full potential of everyone’s team assuming complete health and maximum projected statistical output. My weekly updated power rankings, however, reflect a combination of recent past production and my short-term expectations for every team while keeping in mind my original rankings.

For example, while Cardiff Giant has had some recent success and is currently ranked 4th in the standings, his record would only be 5-6 against every other team in the league based upon statistical overall averages for the season (see Loser’s ROW FBB Results Wk Ending 11.11.07). Moreover, upon further analysis, I noticed that Cardeef is doing well in really only three categories (FG% (1), Points (2) and Assists (2)). And while I commend his team on its stupendous FG% thus far, I think it’s prone to some serious volatility with the likes of Allen Iverson, Ray Allen, Tracy McGrady and Baron Davis. So while Cardeef’s team has played better thus far than the Mighty Mullets and Best Team Ever, I don’t believe he’s currently as “powerful” as those other two teams.

While it would be helpful if I provided some of this insightful analysis behind my rankings, I don’t have the time or the inclination to actually do so. So either accept the rankings for what they are and realize that there is a rhyme and reason to such “clusterfuckery” or send me a personal email asking for a justification and I will offer you up one. Otherwise, I bid you adieu as this will be my last Power Rankings of the season and I will solely focus my time on how to destroy the other loser teams in this league such as Cardiff Giant (which shouldn't be too hard unless some idiot takes Brendan Haywood in a lopsided trade from him).

Thank you,
The Misers

Oh I'm sorry, I thought I was talking to a person

Just in case anyone was actually using The Misers Power Rankings as anything other than high comedy, allow me to breakdown the accuracy of his evaluations over the past three weeks. Not exactly sure what he means by "things are finally starting to settle down", but he can't possibly mean that he's starting to get a grasp on what the hell is going on in this league.

The Miser has altered his own team an average of 7.5 slots in each of the first two weeks (and his team name twice). He has changed Cardeef's (that's me) rank an average of 8.5 spots per week. And in total, has shifted team ranks an average of over FOUR spots every week, out of a possible eleven. Such clusterfuckery certainly does not fit my definition of "settling down", but remember that this is coming from the same man that made a point of telling me that he "really liked" my team Sunday night, only to rank them 9th come Monday morning. The same kid that could have a four hour argument with himself without realizing that he's not winning.

But if nothing else, at least we can credit him for going 5 and 1 in his predications, and not letting his own power rankingsgo to his head. Although someone should tell him that changing his team name back to The Misers does not mean his team is any less insignificant in the auction era.

Basically, I just wanted to say, keep up the good work.


Well I may not suck as bad as I thought. That is a surprise. It looks like things are finally starting to settle down and the standings should follow suit. However, I strongly believe that Best Team Ever, Mighty Mullets and TheBurningSensation will start to come on strong within the next couple of weeks. I went 5-1 in my predications of this past week’s winners and the only matchup I got wrong was my own.

Here are the Power Rankings after Week 2 as well as my predictions for the Week 3 winners.

Power Rankings:

mikey’s roofies
The Flux
The Misers
Loser’s Row
Moop Resurrected
Mighty Mullets
Best Team Ever
Cardiff Giant
10. TheBurningSensation
11. Blue Balls
12. Yom Kippur at Joel's

Week 3 Winners:

The Misers vs. mikey’s roofies (The Misers)*
Best Team Ever vs. TheBurningSensation (Best Team Ever)
Loser’s ROW vs. Mighty Mullets (Loser’s Row)
Moop Resurrected vs. The Flux (The Flux)
Cardiff Giant vs. Yom Kippur at Joel’s (Cardiff Giant)


*Pay close attention to this week's key matchup.

On Basketball, Bitches, and Buyouts

It looks like Stephon Marbury is on his way out of New York.

Let's analyze this from multiple angles:

1) $15 shoes.

No effect here. Shoes remain $15.

2) Steph's reputation.

No effect here. Steph's reputation remains sullied.

3) New Knicks intern's chastity.

Net positive effect. New intern labia remains unscathed.

4) Atlanta Hawks rotation.

Effect remains unknown. As do any other logical places for a 30-year-old point guard on the decline.

5) Loser's Row.

Net negative effect. Team remains mediocre and getting worse. Anyone (TheMisers) who pretends that Steph might still be good (even on a new team) is encouraged to speak up in the comments.

6) Nate Robinson.

Net positive effect. Especially if this move is accompanied by a lowering of the hoop to 9 feet.

7) Zeke Thomas.

Net negative effect. Fewer males remain to mouth kiss if roster spot goes unfilled.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Will You Be My Friend?

As a dedicated fantasy owner there are several things that really dig through your heart and come out your backside grinning. One of them is seeing your star player ejected or injured in the first quarter of a Sunday night game. Another is having a player you just traded away blow-up and become a monster force for the remainder of the season. But, in my opinion, nothing is worse than having two of your best players sit out of the fourth quarter of a 30-point blowout.

That was until I just watched John Salmons drill three triples in a row, like he's fucking Larry Bird. Of course when I needed two points to advance to the finals last year, that mother fucker missed three three-pointers in the last ten seconds of the final game, and cost me over a grand. I repeat, he missed three three-pointers in ten seconds!

Fucking Salmons.

Signs your team may be in trouble #72

When one of your best players has to be restrained from fighting his teammates, during the game.

From RotoWorld:

The Detroit News reports, "During the Hawks' game against the Pistons, [Josh Smith] was yelling at teammate Tyronn Lue because he wasn't passing him the ball enough. He yelled at coach Mike Woodson to get Lue out of the game and had to be restrained by coaches and teammates. When he did get the ball, he often broke plays to get off his own shot."

The article speculated that Smith could be a negative influence on the team, and for a team as young as the Hawks', he certainly isn't a role model. He is, however, a fantastic athlete and an elite fantasy force, so play him every week, bad vibes or not.
Rock on with your potentially-suspended-at-any-moment self JSmoove.

Week 2 Standings

Sunday, November 11, 2007


Picture this:

The Mullets, Misers, BTE, Never Won and Mama Looch went to a hot mid-town disco party last night. Lots of pretty ladies and a champagne bottle to person ratio of 3:1.

What did this group of urban-sophisticated Mr. Leaguers do?

We danced in a closed circle and sang (as in lyrics to music) about Josh Smith and Andrea Bargnani.

This prompted Never Won to boldly declare that we are the "least cool people" on the planet.

What a scene.

[Note: Cardeef was also at this party. His story will be told another time]

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Questions of questions

As we prepare to make our partial league trip to the Izod Center to watch the Nets get crushed by yet another annoying and cocky Boston sports franschise, several questions swirl around inside my head:

- how many players can I pick up off the waiver wire that I will loath within the following 48 hours?

- when, oh god, will Chris Kaman's agreement with Satan expire?

- can I get The Flux to trade him to me in exchange for Plaxico Burress?

- is it weird that, as I type these words, Never Won is standing behind me pretending to hump my door in his boxers?

- why is my team so good and yours so bad?

Also, The Miser is wasted--WASTED!--and we haven't even left for the game yet. Thought the Weasel would enjoy that tidbit.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Introducing The Flux

In an effort to familiarize our readers with the members of Best League Ever, we asked each team to fill out a survey. The answers that follow here (and in all future profiles) are from that survey.

Side note: Since our "readers" are almost exclusively Best League Ever members, this feels a bit like "allow myself to introduce myself." In any case...

For those of you who don't know Flux, you are in for a treat. You see Flux is a conundrum. He's not really a sports fan. He's more a fan of sports. He likes the competition but doesn't care about the game. He likes betting on sports and watching games but you never get the sense that he really cares one way or the other about the outcome.

That's always been true about his Best League Ever participation. Well, except for the part about watching games. We're not sure Flux could pick any of his players out of a lineup or even knows what team they play for. But he loves participating in Best League Ever and for that we, in turn, love him.

(As previously mentioned this dedication to fantasy hoops seems to have been jacked up to a new level this year, but the jury is still out on how honest this new found dedication is or how strong it would be if Flux wasn't in 1st place after week 1. Also, please note that his answer to "Best fantasy move you ever made" is actually a move he made in our FOOTBALL league).

To Flux's credit, he does have one hell of a draft Excel sheet which he's dubbed "The Matrix."

So without further adieu, let's meet Flux:

Team Name: The Flux
Personal Nickname(s): Greenie, Eugene, Gene, Teenie
Hometown: Merrick (Egyptian Heritage)
Current Residence: Manhattan, the capital of the world
Occupation(s): Real Estate Mogul wanabee, Engineer behind The Matrix
Biggest pet peeve about Mr. League: I don’t have access at work
Do you use the Watch List: ????
Most important stat or piece of info for evaluating players: Whatever THE MATRIX tells me (unless its Kobe Bryant/Shawn Marion and then I add 20)

Word Association:

Fantasy basketball: I Love This Game
StatTracker: addict
Auction: Where Amazing Happens
Michigan: Hail to the victors
League Pass: No chance
Blog: Keeps my occupied during the credit crunch
Mr. League: You should have one
Facebook: stalker
League Freak: N/A
Strawberry: Banana
Misers: MY BITCH

And the one thing that really sums up Flux:

Last major purchase: Cartier Roadster

Othella Harrington is Still Alive?

Our willingness to watch random Bobcats - Hawks game at 7PM on a Tuesday is well documented.

Charles Barkley's? Not so much.

Thanks to True Hoop (again).

Also, NBA, would it be so hard to give us an embed link? Or would 2007-style content distribution be too much for you? I guess those grainy clips on YouTube will suffice...

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Hooray for BLE

Thus far, this new toy has given many of us a candied oasis tucked neatly into the folds of the otherwise dreadful desert of our weekdays. It provides some of us with a sounding board for fantasy chat, others with a haven for launching otherwise hopeless writing careers, but most of us enjoy it as an outlet from our unwelcome adultness. Some could even say it acts as a portal to the joys we all had during our days at Ole Big Blue. Which is why the following should come as no surprise:

Domain Name:
Visit Time : 12:41:52 pm
Page Views: 20
Visit Length: 274:00

Another Convert to the Darko Side

As many of you are aware, there exists a rather large, totally inexplicable man-crush on one Darko Milicic by myself, Never Won and the Mullets. It often manifests itself in the form of excessive yelling and cursing at the TV for every Pistons/Magic/Grizzlies game Darko has ever played or in a series of morning emails between the aforementioned trio. We never could understand why most everyone else was so quick to label him a bust, when it was clear the talent was there but the coaches he played for and situations he played in were never condusive to his unique abilities (like cursing in a way that would make a sailor blush).

But now that he's in Memphis and there's a coach who understands him and let's him play his game, which involves posterizing the shit out of Tim Duncan, the man-crush is spreading quicker than a San Diego wildfire. What? Too soon?

Witness Memphis Grizzlies blogger Chris Herrington's post on Above The Rim

As for Darko: Is it too early to proclaim him the best center in Memphis Grizzlies history? The competition certainly isn’t stiff for that honor, but through three regular-season games, Darko is proving to be a wise free-agent acquisition. If his 15-point, 10-rebound, 2-block performance can become a regular occurrence — and clearly it can — then it will go a long way to making the Grizzlies a pretty good team this year.

Free Darko!

Back to Bacon

Here's a fun variation on the old classic. How many moves does it take The Misers to get from:

Wally Szczerbiak, Delonte West, Anthony Parker, Luke Ridnour


Wally Sczcerbiak, Kyle Lowry, Udonis Haslem, Mike Dunleavy

If you guessed THREE you were wrong. It actually took EIGHT.

Must be nice to make so much money.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

An Important Message from Agent Zero

From Gilbert Arenas's Blog:

Don't Put Me on Waivers
Have you seen my stats? For all my fantasy owners, do not give up on me yet. I know my three-point percentage is horrific right now – 1-for-17 – but I think the rims are broken around the league. David Stern, you need to look into fixing these arenas. But really, 1-for-17, I’m shooting worse than … I don’t know who to say without pissing somebody off. I’m just shooting really bad right now, but I’ll get the mojo back in a minute.

I found some humor/irony in the sentence "David Stern, you need to look into fixing these arenas."

Wait just a second...

I thought you said that local beat writer blogs are a bad source of information??

Now that you have a good base of information established from the original article, seek out other articles on the same subject. Do this by checking another local paper, Google News or additional fantasy info sites. Later in the day, sometime in the early afternoon, hopefully a beat writer from the paper will update his blog with info about the morning shootaround or new intel on the player in discussion. In order to know when this happens, subscribe to RSS feeds of the blogs with your players on it. That way, you should be privy to any late-breaking news -- something that we didn't even have access to a year or two ago. Some of the stronger authors will even answer personal e-mail or comments on their blog, so don't be afraid to try interacting with them.

You waffle more than a fat kid with chub rub.

How Not to Blog

I am the king of not blogging.

This may seem oxymoronic (or just moronic) considering I started this blog and also write for another one – The Flux has a love/hate relationship with – but it is 100 percent true. I like the idea of blogging. I often come up with ideas to write about. I help others with their blog posts. I have even made notes for a post on more than one occasion this week but for whatever reason, I don’t finish the post. This drives Never Won crazy to no end. Perhaps this is why I never post…

But as bad as I am by not blogging, there are others who are far worse because they do blog. Prime Example A is Orlando Sentinel reporter and Orlando Magic “blogger” – I use that term more loosely than Moop’s prick uses a Magnum condom – Brian Schmitz. You see, Schmitz has a "Magic Basketblog" that I used yesterday because it contained information on my PG Jameer Nelson. I was debating starting Nelson or Monta Ellis, who Don Nelson in his infinite senile wisdom decided to deem him the backup PG that day. That should last about as long as the 12th man on The Misers roster.

Anywho, this is what Schmitz wrote at 12:59 p.m.:

"Point guard Jameer Nelson will play, although his mouth is still sore after taking an elbow to the face from Bo Outlaw that knocked him a little silly."

Since this was the first mention of this incident on the entire internet, I figured it wasn't a big deal -- especially since he clearly states Jameeracle will play. As a result, after not seeing any new info by 6pm, I made my decision to go with the starter in Nelson and reserve Ellis for the evening and promptly went to dinner.

Upon arriving home fully satitated and partially intoxicated, I fired up StatTracker per the norm. To my surprise and quickly escalating hate, I was rudely greeted with the word "Bench" next to Nelson's name, which as most fantasy basketball players know is roughly equivolent to getting ass-raped by a baseball bat -- sideways. So not only was I forced to stare at Nelson's name on my starting roster, but I then couldn't fully enjoy watching Monta Ellis explode for 22 points (3-4 3PT), 6 boards, 3 steals and 2 blocks as he wallowed away on my bench. Now couple this with my opponent MAMA LOOCH suffering through what was easily the worst night of the season and begin to feel my frustration. (LOOCH, you should blog about Bosh, Okafor and Bargnani combining for 6 points, 12 rebounds, 1 block and 5 TOs.)

Not knowing how Nelson couldn't have played after reading Schmitz's blog, I checked it again looking for a late breaking update I might have missed between 6 and 6:55pm -- the last time I could make a substitution to my lineup in time for the 7pm game. This is what I saw:

"Magic point guard Jameer Nelson is suffering from concussion-like symptoms and will be held out of tonight's game against the Minnesota Timberwolves as a precaution. Nelson was inadvertently hit in the jaw by teammate Bo Outlaw in Monday's practice and woke up Tuesday with a slight headache. General Manager Otis Smith said the team made the game-time decision because Nelson had sustained a concussion 13 months ago in training camp in Jacksonville, colliding with teammate Dwight Howard in a scrimmage."

Post time: 7:11 pm.

Thanks for blogging, Schmuck, er, Schmitz. You're a real pro.

The Call Is Coming From Inside The House

Now by this point we are all well aware of the fact that The Miser is a total psycho. However, we must all admit that the vast majority of his episodes are psycho cliches, such as smashing his own head through a window or putting razor blades in the Halloween candy*. But every once in a while he'll grace you with a dash of unique psychosis and give you a fresh new set of holy-shit-this-guy-is-batshit-insane. Like when you get up in the middle of the night and find him sitting alone in the dark, in his suit, watching NBATV.


*SIDENOTE: This actually did happen. Whilst looking through the Duane Reade bag of Halloween candy that The Miser had bought, I found a package of Gillette Fusion Razor Blades in the bag. What a serial killer.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The Worst Feelings in the World

1) Finding out your girlfriend is cheating on you.
2) Your doctor telling you he "just needs to do a few more tests."
3) That dream where you show up to work/school naked.
4) Biting into a piece of raw-on-the-inside chicken.
5) Having to swap in Robert Swift for an injured Amare in your lineup tonight.

Flux Evolution

The Flux is a conflicted beast.

He is someone who has threatened at various times to leave the league. He is someone who wanted to split is team this year with another manager. He is someone who last year refused to even order StatTracker until Cardeef, his roommate at the time, caught him sneaking looks at it on Cardeef's computer.

But Flux is slowly coming around; his passion for fantasy hoops is like a little caterpillar just waiting for the cocoon to grow. One day we will make him a butterfly.

That day may be sooner than we think. Witness his excitement over our full lineups tonight as well as his attempt to get a free subscription to League Pass:

I can't wait...I'll be right next to the computer
Just so you know, I was on the phone with the cable company last night because the new DVR boxes are so terrible and I've finally had it with the problems its caused. When they told me they would be patching the problems shortly I asked them if they would credit my account with anything. They said they would take off the DVR service from my bill for the month and give me a premium channel for free for a month. I asked for the NBA Package. They said No. I was upset.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Player Profile: Poobie

Name: Poobie
Team Name: Anything with the word "Balls" in it. (Examples: Blue Balls, chocolate saltyballs, Ball Sweat, Gilbert's Grapes)
Most Likely Seen: Stumbling home from the bar, well after bar time.
Other nicknames: 'Left Ball'
Draft style: Passive, but precise. He goes for balance and depth. He is the yin to Cardiff's yang when it comes to Washington Wizards and/or Maryland players. Known to toss out sleepers early on to lock them down.
Playing style: Would rather watch NCAA
Best finish: 5th
Years played: 6
Dream team:

* PG: Steve Francis
* SG: Richard Hamilton
* SF: Richard Jefferson
* PF: Troy Murphy
* C: Zydrunas Ilgauskas


Well I suck. That's not a surprise. But certainly the fact that four teams dropped out of my top six in the previous week's Power Rankings is. I also went 3-3 in my predications of this past week’s winners, which just goes to show you that I’m a terrible prognosticator who can’t (not hasn’t) adjust to the AUCTION ERA!!!!!

Without further ado, here are the Power Rankings after Week 1 as well as my predictions for the Week 2 winners.

Power Rankings:

1. The Flux
2. Cardiff Giant
3. mikey's roofies
4. Moop Resurrected
5. Mighty Mullets
6. TheBurningSensation
7. Blue Balls
9. Best Team Ever
10. Loser's ROW
12. Yom Kippur at Joel's

Week 2 Winners:

AUCTION ERA vs. Mighty Mullets (Mighty Mullets)
mikey's roofies vs. TheBurningSensation (mikey’s roofies)
Best Team Ever vs. MAMA LOOCH (MAMA LOOCH)*
Loser's ROW vs. The Flux (The Flux)
Moop Resurrected vs. Yom Kippur at Joel’s (Moop Resurrected)
Cardiff Giant vs. Blue Balls (Cardiff Giant)

* Keep an eye on this week’s most entertaining matchup.

Week 1 Standings

And in case you were wondering more about why my team is "Loser's Row", check out the lowest ranked team coming off of a win!

Mr. League Power Rankings - Week 1

Well… it's time for the Week 1 Mr. League Power Rankings. Here is where I analyze your teams, and then you all go and cry to your mommies like little pussies. Or else you just leave your comments below. Pussies.

#1 - Mighty Mullets (1)
There are certainly weaknesses on this team, but there’s no reason to drop them yet. Deron Williams led the way with a huge 4-game week. Danny Granger has finally exploded. The return of Richard Hamilton will only propel this team upward in the standings as the Mullets face a woeful AUCTION ERA Misers team in Week 2.

#2 - Moop Resurrected (4)
We all knew Dwight Howard was a beast, but middle-tier talent showed up this week as well. Richard Jefferson returned to fantasy relevance this week. Michael Redd looks healthy and hungry for meat. Kevin Martin is an established fantasy beast, and should be for years.

#3 - The Flux (5)
If Chris Kaman plays like this for a whole season, we have a contender here. Fortunately, that’s very unlikely, and it will probably take a big year from Rondo and Dalembert to keep the Flux on this side of the playoff fence. So far, so good.

#4 - Cardiff Giant (10)
The Giant dropped almost 550 points in a shortened week, but we all know Cardiff favors the ‘sexy’ categories, so this was no surprise. The balanced attack was impressive, though, for week 1. The ‘Big 5’ all showed why they’re worth precious auction dollars, but help was also found in Brendan Haywood, Diaw, and even Jason Mack-zilla

#5 - Mama Looch (2)
Bargnani looks good, but Charlie V really brings down those percentages. Jason Terry is sixth man of my balls. Which brings me to…

#6 - Blue Balls (6)
Value guards Ronnie Brewer and T.J. Ford look awesome. Where is Luol Deng? Chris Wilcox might have a good year, finally. I’ll say it again, the success of this team depends on the health of Jermaine O’Neal (and Crash Wallace)

#7 - Mikey's Roofies (8)
Marcus Camby looks like the reigning Defensive Player of the Year. Surprising contributions from Marvin Williams, Nick Collison, and my favorite player, Jamal Crawford.

#8 - Loser's Row (9)
Great pickup of John Salmons. Amare is ‘day-to-day’ with soreness in his knee. Uh-oh…

#9 - The Burning Sensation (3)
Needs Wade back desperately for assists and steals. Not sure who’s gonna help with 3pt% and FT%. Is Peja the key?

#10 - Yom Kippur at Joel's (11)
One more week without Artest. This team needs help in other categories, though, such as assists, and FT. Kobe is spectacular, but he can't carry the Lakers, or the Weaz, to a championship without some help.

#11 - Best Team Ever (7)
Garnett had his monster games, but this team lacks a steady source of assists and 3-point shooting. The other young big men on this team need to develop soon, and start putting up blocks and boards.

#12 - The Misers (12)
Well, Chris Paul looks great. The rest of this team, not too spectacular. Ben Wallace is an embarassment. The jury’s still out on Kirilenko. Should be a force in the loser’s bracket.

I hope you all have shitty luck this week! See you next Sunday.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Does anyone have a Band-Aid for this enormous fucking boo-boo?

Few things in this short life permit a moment of absolute happiness. Not partial joy or glee, but rather a totally objective sense of elation. Discovering a lootcake of hundred-dollar bills sitting on the sidewalk? Maybe. Anonymous sex with a ridiculously hot and naughty chick? Perhaps. Watching The Misers weep about an 8-1 loss to The Flux? Well, that, my friends, is absolute fucking happiness.

The Pilgrimage

Several times a year, BTE and the Mighty Mullets board a train in Philadelphia to make the obligatory pilgrimage to Mr. League Central.

Mr. League Central is hallowed grounds. Located at 14th Street and Avenue A, it is the storied sight of some the greatest moments in Mr. League history.

Stuy Town, as it is known, ushered in the auction era and continues to chronicle Mr. League auction history as the official archive of “the sheets.”

It is where The Misers stabbed the Mullets in the back like a modern day Brutus.

During the Mr. League VI auction weekend, the first ever official trophy awarding ceremony took place. It was gingerly passed from The Misers to Mama Looch and finally to The Mullets. That was back when BTE still had an asterisk next to his name which has since been moved to the Misers.

Mr. League Central is where "the bet" between Never Won and Mama Looch was executed. It continues today as an inflation adjusted wager that Never Won will never win.

During the Mr. League V auction, Flux introduced the most sophisticated draft/auction algorithm this side of a Bangladesh call center. Today it is known simply as The Matrix (oops, sorry Shawn).

Mr. League Central is where Weasel a/k/a Yom Kippur at Joel’s paved a bold new path on auction bidding by jumping $20 on an injured Amare Stoudamire. Today that theory has morphed into the “introduce-high” approach to auctioning.

Three of Mr. League’s most dedicated competitors live there as keepers. It started with Never Won, then the Misers moved in and now Cardeef calls it home. The three of them, like Knights of the Fantasy Hardwood.

Each trip to Mr. League Central is different, but each always includes Croc Lounge, Super Smash Brothers (Kirby Laugh), yelling and fantasy basketball.

And, most importantly, a shitload of stat tracker.

Five days until the pilgrimage.

Roll Mullets.

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time

In honor of my return to the States and finding every player on my "watch list" cruelly snatched off the waiver wire, we will now begin the unveiling of the much anticipated Best League Ever logos. Each day for the next twelve days a logo will be randomly selected and posted on this here blog.

Some credit should be given to Never Won and Best Team Ever for their contributions, but obviously most credit should be given to me because I am the creative genius that puts ideas to art. Fuck you, C+ in middle school art class!

Without further ado, we give you the first logo (feel free to guess along in the comments):

Saturday, November 3, 2007

The Origin of Loser's Row

NeverWon has had a lot of different team names over the years:

The White Dykes
Cats and Doggs
Ming Dynasty
Balls Deep

But last year, after some intense self-reflection (and, as usual, some self-loathing), I finally settled on a name that did the best job describing my team than any name I had used previously.


If I recall correctly, it was a night last season not unlike last night when Loser's Row was born. I had spent the day eagerly emailing with the Mighty Mullets in anticipation of what I thought would be a huge night. Like last night I was putting the proverbial "best foot forward", well, forward. And just like last night, my team proved to be less of a team than I thought. Indeed, my team proved to be less of a man than I thought.

Out of the ashes of this conflagration of fantasy putridity was born Loser's Row. How better to describe David Lee last night. Or Manu Ginobili. Or Amare Stoudemire. Once again when all the chips were in the middle of the table, my team folded like a third roll of stomach fat. Like a bunch of Losers...

To quoth the Weasel: "Hence Loser's Row."

Just In Case You Were Wondering

I guess this is what I've succumbed to.

It's 3:30 am in the morning and I've been refreshing Google news for hours in anticipation of a Ben Wallace quote after his second sub par performance of this 2007 season. Instead, I stumble upon the following:

Friday, November 2, 2007

Yes SIR!

Mama Looch, you're on!

Two bets, one against NeverWon, one against Best Team Ever.

$20 each, most categories wins, accept in the comments.

Here's Mama Looch's roster:

PG Jason Terry
SG Ricky Buckets
G Andre Miller
SF Villanueva
PF Andrea Bargnani
F Emeka Okafor
C Timmy Duncan
C Chris Bosh

Finally, Friday Night Basketball has returned to the world!

The following conversation took place between Never Won and Never Won's girlfriend earlier this week:

NeverWon's GF: So I'm sleeping over this Friday right?
NeverWon: Ummmmmmmmmm.
NeverWon's GF: Why, what's up?
NeverWon: It's Friday night.
NeverWon's GF: And then?
NeverWon: Well, it's Friday night basketball. And the debut of the Celtics. And when you come over and I watch basketball you start whining. And it makes me want to bludgeon my eyes out with a rusty spork*.
NeverWon's GF: OK, that's fine. I'll sleep over Saturday and then we have Sunday together.
NeverWon (in his head): Celtics at 2:30 on Sunday. Patriots - Colts at 4:15. RUSTY SPORK IN MY EYE.
NeverWon (outloud): Great!

If you need me tonight I'll be on my couch with 6 Bud Light horses (tall boys for you Southerners) and my boyfriends Josh Smith and Paul Pierce. No girlfriend necessary.

* That last sentence may or may not have actually been spoken.

Suck on this Best Team Ever:

Wager of the Night

As is tradition in Mr. League, nothing is settled without raised voices, politically incorrect insults and a burning desire to rip out the other person's eyes and skull-fuck their head. So instead we often resort to bets to resolve our disputes. The anger instantly dissolves and is quickly replaced by all-knowing goofy grins and the inner-Jew greed, not for the idea of more money coming my way mind you, but as a vehicle for proving my fantasy basketball knowledge is superior to all others. Cause that's what life is all about, bro.

This morning, Never Won made a bold and incorrect proclamation (as is his norm) that he had the best lineup going tonight. Knowing I too had a fully, I instantly disagreed. Sniffing a chance to prove my superiority, I used the one word that guaranteed a bet would be forthcoming. See if you can spot the word. Here is the conversation and resulting wager:

Never Won: just look at my lineup tonight
best lineup going

BTE: aren't you proud?
way to jinx it
I would argue mine is stronger

Never Won: lemme check

BTE: but i see it's your top 8
i'm not sure if this is my top 8 or not
but i am so better

Never Won: 0 chance your 8 tonight is better than my 8

BTE: should we bet on it?
i will win 5 or more cats
i don't even remember who you have tonight and it doesn't matter
let's bet

Never Won: tonight?
i'm down
20 bucks
blog it

With the bet in place, it was time to spew more smack talk:

Never Won: YAAAA
you are so fucked

BTE: your overconfidence amuses me
you have no chance

i might get 100 rebounds tonight
new record

BTE: not a new record
my team isn't a slouch when it comes to rebounds. i do have the best rebounder in the league

Never Won: i have the best rebounder in the league!
i feel another bet coming on!

BTE: sorry bro
KG has proved it year after year
Chandler was second last year -- and you didn't even know it

i knew the other top 5

BTE: if a guy so much as sneezes on my team, i know it

Pumpkin Head didn't even realize his player was top 5 in rebounding when asked by The Misers the other night...

The lineups:

Never Won:

PG Raymond Felton
SG Manu Ginobili
G Stephon Marbury
SF Josh Smith
PF David Lee
F Paul Pierce
C Amare Stoudemire
C Tyson Chandler

Best Team Ever:

PG Joe Johnson
SG Monta Ellis
G Leandro Barbosa
SF Andre Iguodala
PF Kevin Garnett
F Ike Diogu
C Andris Biedrins
C LaMarcus Aldridge

Weigh in with who will in the comments. Cause interacting is fun!