Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Roll Kevin Durant!

My favorite non-roster player -- by a mile!

When is 17-8-6 not 17-8-6?

When you don't set your lineup correctly and David West is on your bench.

One of my biggest pet peeves in fantasy is not setting your lineup. Two or three times a year someone will "forget" to set their lineup and it irks the hell out of me.

Tonight though was different. Tonight was apathy and a general disinterest in ever being truly successful at fantasy basketball. It was a real amateur move. Ladies and gentlemen, the Weasel!

Allow me to explain. Early this week the reports out of New Orleans were that West was at best questionable for tonight's game. The Weasel though should have just benched Ron Artest -- seven game suspension to start the season -- and put West in. He had nothing to lose; we play daily transactions.

On the one hand I don't mind. I happen to be playing the Weasel this week. On the other hand general apathy can potentially destroy the delicate competitive balance we have in Best League Ever.

Unfortunately, the Weasel doesn't really care:

NeverWon: what the hell are you doing with your lineup
Weasel: what are you talking about
NeverWon: david west
Weasel: thought he wasnt playing
Weasel: you cant fault that
NeverWon: even so
NeverWon: why would you not put him in artest's spot
Weasel: ron artest
NeverWon: makes no sense
Weasel: forgot
NeverWon: disappointing
Weasel: oh well

Like The Misers say:

TheMISERS: i mean its disgusting
TheMISERS: it has to be a complete call out
TheMISERS: how hes not even close to our level
TheMISERS: and that football is a different game

Live Blogging OUCH!

Lebron James at halftime of Dallas - Cleveland on national TV:

0 Points
0 Rebounds
1 Assist
0 Steals
0 Blocks

0-4 FG

3 fouls

There are two questions you'd normally ask when you see a stat-line like this:

1) How bad is he injured?
2) Is StatTracker broken?


One Step Closer

The NBA has added a new statistical category -- the Blocked Attempt, i.e. you got swatted (BA). I have no idea what this might tell you, except to better explain someone's field goal percentage. Or are you supposed to create blocked shots to blocked attempts ratio?

In the words of Best Team Ever: "what a thoroughly useless stat."

I can just feel how close we are to the Blown Assist and Half Steal. Watching the games last night it seemed like scorekeepers are finally awarding the steal to the player that caused it, not the player who luckily ended up with the ball in their hands.

Thanks to TrueHoop for the tip.


"Work" has blocked my access to this here blog. I think it's a universal block on Blogspot properties.

In the meantime, I made this picture of Andrei Kirilenko to celebrate his return to fantasy relevancy:

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Live Blogging Halftime Discussions

Who is going to have more 20-20 games this season, Dwight Howard or Al Jefferson?
Mullets: Dwight Howard, wait, oh gosh, I don't know. But some is going to have a 30-rebound game.

LaMarcus Aldridge is an absolute beast. If he's doing this against Tim Duncan and San Antonio, what's he going to do against division rivals the Clippers, Sonics, Lakers and Warriors?

Doesn't Joel Przybilla look good? A hell of a lot better than Channing Frye. Isn't that right, BurningSensation? After a phone call from the BurningSensation discussing Channing Frye's abysmal first half, we may have our first paid transaction! Whaa-hoooo!

That is of course if the Mullets don't pull the trigger first with Zaza. He spent the first ten minutes of halftime researching him, but couldn't pull the trigger. He had to keep reminding himself of the mantra: "That would be borrowing a play out of Never Won's playbook." Considering the team name, we all know that isn't good for anything.

Stattracker Haiku

Stattracker won't start
I swear I will beat your ass
if you don't fix it

8:47 pm

Channing Frye records his first rebound...and TheBurningSensation takes an early lead in our head-to-head matchup. It makes me want to scream.

If I don't win 7-2 this week, I will consider it a loss. There, I said it.

Martell Webster

8:27 in the First Quarter. BTE is packing the first bowl of the Mr. League VII season and declares that Martell Webster will be the first player picked up. My guess, Flux will pull the trigger. What do you think?

Live Blogging

8:22 LaMarcus Aldridge (LMA) sinks the opening jumper. Stop the season!! I'm beating everyone. You guys never had a chance.

Dear Yahoo

PLEASE make my stat tracker start working. What the fuck? Every year the season starts and every year you make me cry.

I can't take this anymore.

Live Blog

Opening tip off!!! I just creamed my pants.

Eat my ass, Never Won.

Live Blogging Opening Night

The Mullets and BTE have set our laptops up Battleship style -- back-to-back -- for some serious live blogging during tonight's opener. We are also considering doing a big old Mr. League IM chat room for all of us to share in the fun. Post a comment telling us of your plans of how you'll be celebrating tonight's festivities. Or email us if you have something you want included in the live blog.

Mikey's Roofies, why is my team so good and your team so bad? [Kirby laugh]

Roll Mr. League VII

Professionally speaking, I manage the distribution of hundreds of millions of dollars. Nevertheless, I spent all day today thinking about what product Dirkilicious uses in his hair before road games.

Then, the Foye news hit. It took all of my strength not to drop him. The only thing that is keeping Foye on my team right now is the absolute certainty that if I drop him, I have borrowed a play from Never Won's playbook (a/k/a Loser's Row). If Foye hits the waiver wire, Mikey's Roofies will definitely pick him up. I don't want to get Roofied.

Can this season start already? PLEASE!

Roll Mullets

Live Blogging the Last 7 Minutes of my Life

6:03PM: StatTracker ordered.
6:04PM: Roll StatTracker.
6:05PM: Call TimeWarner.
6:06PM - 6:09PM: On hold.
6:10PM: Order League Pass. Roll League Pass.

The Difference Between Fantasy Football and Fantasy Basketball

I use fantasy football as a placeholder before fantasy hoops starts. It's a good way to pass the time, in spite of the fact that it depends entirely too much on luck (one day determines your entire "week.")

One area where fantasy football dominates fantasy basketball though is in timely injury-related news about your players. Football players can't so much as scratch their nuts without someone reporting it; you usually know by Thursday or Friday where you stand. And if not by then, you can wake up Sunday morning and find injury information from about 30 different sources.

Not so in the NBA. I can't tell if it's because there's really not much national media attention paid to the NBA (relative to the NFL). It probably also has to do with the fact that the beat reporters (the people who would most likely report on this information) will file a story for the morning print edition and then not write anything else until after the next game. Some beat reporters have decent blogs (this one comes to mind), which helps, but in general getting injury information about the NBA typically happens when you flip on the TV and see Luther Head starting and T-Mac in street clothes.

What's my point? Well, for an active fantasy basketball player like Never Won, it's frustrating as hell.

One day you're looking at your team and thinking "this is it, this is my season." The next day you're looking at Sebastian Telfair's stats and thinking, "he can't be that bad can he?"*:

The Minnesota Timberwolves have lost starting guard Randy Foye for several weeks due to a lingering left knee injury.

An MRI test and CT scan performed on Foye's knee revealed a stress reaction in his kneecap, and the team announced that he will be out indefinitely. Sebastian Telfair and Marko Jaric will handle the point guard duties for the next month or so, making Telfair worth a serious look on the waiver wire in your fantasy league.
*Mighty Mullets used for demonstration purposes only. Kind of.

¿Que hora es?

You know the NBA season is upon us when you are in a cab in Buenos Aires and the driver starts chanting ¨Ginobili! Ginobili!¨. Then mere moments later you win a bet off of someone else regarding the correct spelling of Fabricio Oberto´s (sp?) name.

¡Viva La NBA!


Although I was disappointed to learn that I'm currently listed in last place in mikey's roofies Power Rankings, I respect the commish’s decision. With that said, I had previously posted on the message board my own Post Auction Power Rankings and have decided to repost those rankings here:

1. TheBurningSensation
2. Best Team Ever
4. The Misers
5. Loser's ROW
6. Mighty Mullets
7. mikey's roofies
8. The Flux
9. Moop Resurrected
10. Blue Balls
11. Yom Kippur at Joel's
12. Cardiff Giant

My predictions for the Week 1 winners are as follows:

The Misers vs. The Flux (The Misers)
mikey's roofies vs. Best Team Ever (BTE)
TheBurningSensation vs. Mighty Mullets (Mighty Mullets)+
Loser's ROW vs. Yom Kippur at Joel's (Loser's ROW)
Moop Resurrected vs. Blue Balls (Moop Resurrected)*
Cardiff Giant vs. MAMA LOOCH (MAMA LOOCH)

+ Would've been a close matchup had Dwyane Wade been available.
* Keep an eye on this entertaining matchup. It should be a close one.

Who Is That Masked Man?

As you know, it took me a good 20 minutes to decide whether or not to bid $14 on Ben Wallace. While at the time I may have only slightly second guessed my decision to draft an overpaid 33 year old player whose game is clearly on the decline, I only recently grasped the full ramifications of overreaching for this former 4 Time Defensive Player of the Year Winner.

I should’ve known that only an unprepared Yom Kippur at Joel’s team would be willing to introduce Big Ben for $13 when he was obviously worth no more than $10. That pissed me off. Believe me! As Yom Kippur can attest, I made a special trip home to Detroit a couple weeks before the season began in attempt to prepare his scatter brained mind for the auction. We went through several mock scenarios as we hit the bong and watched the first Red Wings game of the season.

Hear are a few examples:

The Misers: “I’m gonna throw out a couple names and you just tell me off the top of your head what you’d be willing to bid for them at the auction…much like you would do anyways.”

Yom Kippur: “OK”

The Misers: “Luol Deng?”

Yom Kippur: “$10”

The Misers: “AK47?”

Yom Kippur: “47”

The Misers: “Al Jefferson?”

Yom Kippur: “24”

The Misers: “Ben Wallace?”

Yom Kippur: “31”

The Misers: “You're living in the past my man and you better get your head out of your ass and start preparing for this auction already cause you’re waayyyyy off. I mean god! A guy like Ben Wallace will go for $5. MAX!”

So there I was, forced to overpay for a center that I wanted less than those that were still available such as Brad Miller, Andrew Bogut, Sammy D and Andris Biedrins. Desperate to shore up blocks and steals though and concerned that AK47 would go for more than what I had budgeted for, I needed to bid. Turns out, AK47 was gonna go for less than what I had allocated so I took him and the aforementioned centers ended up being great bargains.

This tied my hands at the end of the draft because it left me with only $4 to fill four roster spots, which clearly violated my rule of having no more than two $1 players this year. I felt confident though based on my ability to find solid $1 contributors such as Johs Childress and Raja Bell in years past. However something went seriously awry and I ended up drafting the following players:

Anthony Parker
Luke Ridnour
Wally Szczerbiak
Delonte West

You will notice that three of those four players are on the Sonics. If you recall, I immediately tried to justify that move by claiming it was a great strategy because while I didn’t know which one of those three would start the season, I was confident that at least two would. This as discussed in a previous blog post is referred to as the Fantasy Basketball Hedge. However, the season starts today and it turns out THAT NONE OF THESE FUCKING GUYS ARE STARTING!!!

And that is why Rob Ridnour's comments about his son almost brought a tear to my eye this morning:

The Season is Upon Us

Never Won wrote a poem to celebrate:

I'm gonna eat me a BLT
I have a big head like Sherry
Order me up some Domino's
Doing the nasty with skank ho's.

I got me a bad case of diarrhea
Robert Swift is diarrhea
I just rhymed the same word twice
Turkey and stuffing is real nice

Dear Amare, don't blow out your knee
When I was five I used to make pee (in my pants)
Peeing in your pants is cool
Stealing movie lines is for tools

So I got that going for me, which is nice
Josh Smith, you went for a high price
I will call you the "accidental buy"
Take a number, get ready to fly

I went to Coney Island, got me a hot dog
Needles, drugs, yuletide logs
There was Steph selling $20 shoes
Go to a new team, you're giving me the blues

One year at the auction we spelled your name Johs (Childress)
Forwards or backwards you're really quite soft
Step up your game it's a contract year
I sit on the toilet, get hemorrhoids in my rear

I'm gonna sweep me some floors
I'm gonna sweep me some floors
I'm gonna sweep me some floors
I'm gonna sweep me some floors

Lying in bed in the morning, I feel a rumble
Reach down my shorts, start to fumble
Hellllo morning wood, nice to see you
You're small, alas I'm a Jew.

Back to story of my team
I left the auction, had a dream
There was a Prince looking for his frog
"Take me from behind", she said, "I love your blog"

As a young kind I went to Pierce school
Now he's on my team making fools drool
Don't look now there's new winds blowing
Hey Boston, your vajajay is showing.

You play in Charlotte, I play in New York
I eat my spam sushi with a fat spork
Knocking 'em dead like I'm Jesse James
Felton isn't it about time you showed some game?

Manu, Manu, Manu CHAO!
I took another last name and paired it with wow
You'd be a lot cooler if you got more burn
You flop like a pussy with a lifetime of earn

Chandler Bing, Chandler Arizona, Tyson Chandler
Which of these three is not like other?
Fly me some pigeons, make a sandwich
I'm gonna eat your children, make me your mother

Did you get that last verse, it didn't rhyme like the rest
Are you ready to see the very damn best
That New York has to offer at MSG
The one player I really like is David Lee

This concludes my poem, welcome to the season
But what might you ask is the reason
You forgot to include your 12th player
The soft rotation spot doesn't leave him a prayer!

I'm gonna sweep me some floors
I'm gonna sweep me some floors
I'm gonna sweep me some floors
I'm gonna sweep me some floors

Monday, October 29, 2007

Oh My God!

The season starts TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's about fucking time already.

Mullets, don't be late for our date to watch some basketball and StatTracker tomorrow

Pre-Season Power Rankings

As I write this post, there is currently a banner ad on Best League Ever Blog that looks like this:

Are You Gay?
Gay NBA Player? Find out now!

I think it's pretty cool that Google knows how to tailor ad banners to its target audience.

Anyways, it's time for the pre-season Mr. League Power Rankings.

#1 - Mighty Mullets
Right now the Mullets have it all. Depth, youth, versatility, and a solid front court with Pau and Dirk. There are at least 4 guys on his team that should take it to the next level this season, especially Danny Granger. Nenad needs to remain healthy and continue to improve, because Zaza (Nenad lite) isn't scaring anyone, and Bynum is still looking pretty young. Thornton was a nice pickup that could help out in the scoring department. DK may be a crotchety old man, but his team is young and virile.

#2 - Mama Looch
Lots of depth up front, three top centers in Bosh, Duncan, and Okafor, as well as Bargnani who should start to show why he was #1 pick last year. Nene is the wild card, but could be big if he's healthy. The guards will be solid in %'s and scoring, but don't look for too many 100 dime weeks from Looch. Walter Hermann and Acie Law will soon be on the waiver wire. Still, the depth is there, and I like the strategy.

#3 - The Burning Sensation
Great auction value on Josh Howard, Caron Butler, and Al Jefferson. If Wade comes back and stays healthy, this team could be #1 with that core 4. Hinrich and Ilgauskas are solid mid-level players, and Bogut and Rasheed are certainly workable PFs. Can Peja revive his career? If so, we better watch out for The Clap.

#4 - Moop Resurrected
Depth, but no superstars. Dwight Howard went for too much, but still a lot of value here in Redd, KMart, Okur, Mo Williams. This team's success also hinges on the health of Richardson, Odom, Jefferson, etc. I'll believe in this strategy when I see it work, until then, I say you need a core.

#5 - The Flux
Believe in your core. This is why I have faith in The Flux this year. His big 4 is as good as anyone's (Marion, Rashard, Vince, Chauncey) but it drops off quite a bit there. Rondo should have a nice year, Kaman could bounce back with Brand out, but the rest is garbage. Still, I think The Flux is one or two shrewd waiver moves from contention.

#6 - Blue Balls
Arenas is sick, and still somehow underrated. Luol Deng has emerged as a solid contributor. Gerald Wallace is a fantasy monster when healthy. The problem with this team is Jermaine O'Neal, because I strongly question his durability and work ethic, but if he holds up, this is a playoff team.

#7 - Best Team Ever
Garnett is still solid, and makes a good core with Iguodala and Joe Johnson. That's about where it ends, though. There's some solid talent, but no proven stars. Aldridge should take a huge leap this year, though. He has to for Best Team Ever to have hope at repeating as Mr. League champ.

#8 - Mikey's Roofies
The loss of Bibby hurts, but LeBron and Nash will carry this team as usual. Watch for Jamal Crawford to have a career year in New York.

#9 - Loser's Row
Josh Smith and Amare are exciting players. Along with Pierce, the core three are solid, but injuries might be a concern with Chandler and Ginobili on the team as well.

#10 - Cardiff Giant
A solid core 5 (AI, Allen, Baron, T-Mac, Boozer) but again, not without an injury history. Diaw is having a decent pre-season, but the bottom 6 on this team is horrendous. No depth = no playoffs.

#11 - Yom Kippur at Joel's
If Ron Artest finds Jesus or something, maybe this team has a chance. As far as I know, Artest is still a mentally disturbed fuckwit, and he will explode at some point this season. Kidd was a good pick, but West and Durant went for too much. Kobe needs to have another MVP year for this team to have a chance.

#12 - The Misers
Yao is solid, as long as he's healthy. Ditto for Chris Paul. Carmelo was a steal! It's a fine core 3 strategy, but that's when things go sour. Ben Wallace, old and wealthy, is nursing injury. Roy has impending surgery. Kirilenko? Just a matter of time, my man. And then a bunch of plug-in nobody players... oh, and Elton Brand. The only prayer this team has is if Brand is this year's Pau Gasol. That's doesn't seem likely.

Alright, that's it for now. Best of luck to everyone, see you fuckers next week!

Weasel is Freud, Freud is Weasel

In fact, the Weasel once had a team named Penis Envy.

Who better than the creator of the "Early Week Reverse Psychology Email" (the Weasel) to kick off the new season with one?

There's a fine art in being able to send the same email to your opponents week after week yet still be entertaining. Weasel, you've mastered that art.

The Weasel: Congrats on your week one victory [Editor's Note: Week 1 starts TOMORROW]...every single one of my guys is injured...I won’t argue this, the week is over

NeverWon: Weasel, I understand your team is injured. Have you LOOKED AT MY LINEUP I HAVE NO GAMES!

TheWeasel: Don’t you dare fucking raise your voice. You win.

And so it goes. Man am I excited for the season!

The door swings open, the door swings shut

I knew that opening up the 12th spot on my roster was going to be problematic. And by problematic I mean glorious.


1) It allows me to deepen my research to an entirely new class of players. A class of players that suck.

2) It gives me something else to do while I loathe my job.

3) It means that players like Kyle Lowry spend less than 24 hours on Never Won's team!

This morning, in a fit of genius, I checked out John Salmons as a potential player for the squad. Here's what I figured -- Bibby is down and Salmons was decent last year as a starter.

How did I know? The beauty of Split Stats.

Best Team Ever taught me this technique last year and it's one I've used recently when analyzing players (I use the term "analyze" loosely. It's more like drink 8 Bud Lights, fire up Yahoo! fantasy, and stare at the screen. Whichever players I focus on most clearly tend to end up on my team.)

Excitedly, I emailed Best Team Ever to discuss my new player.

Tangent -- you know that song from the Lion King "Circle of Life?" Turns out there's a circle of fantasy basketball. What I mean is that for whatever reason, there are a few players who you either target, draft, or pick-up year after year. They are completely unavoidable even as you curse their presence on your roster (this was the main reason Never Won maintains a "Banned List" for his team -- Slomile, I'm looking at you.)

Turns out that Salmons may be entering that circle. Here's an email I sent BTE late last season:

Never Won: I just made some moves…I suggest you do the same and pick up Salmons. Your Split Stats "As Starter" is a revelation.

We also discussed this morning how Salmons was critical to BTE's championship run last season. And this had nothing to do with BTE's annoying habit of using the last 5 spots of his roster as an open rotation during the playoffs.

It was the last game of Sunday night in the semi-final round of the playoffs. BTE was locked in a fierce battle with Cardiff Giant and the entire week hung on 3pt %.

See if you can figure out where the week turned (keep in mind this is the 4th quarter of the last game of the week):

:13.9 SAC - J. Salmons missed a 26-foot three-pointer from the top of the arc
:12.6 SAC - Offensive rebound
:08.8 SAC - J. Salmons missed a 26-foot three-pointer from the right wing

And of course, to top this all off, the entire reason I made the pickup was, as discussed, Salmons' stats as a starter.

Ummm...except he's not starting.

Allow Myself To Introduce... Myself

And away we go, the first post by yours truly, MAMA LOOCH. Fittingly, I'm going to use this post to speak about the origins of the LOOCH, so you the reader can get an idea of how this first-tier BLE member came about. While the main inspiration for MAMA LOOCH as a name comes from The Misers "pet name" for his mother, Urban Dictionary offers a more fitting explanation. Check out their definition of MAMALOOCH

Well said urban dictionary, well said. I could not have put it any better. Although I had one bad year, which many say has tainted my status, I am considered (albeit self-considered) the cornerstone of something incredible (BLE), the strongest force amongst others. MAMALOOCH has often been a pioneer of auction strategy, introducing concepts such as Second Quarter/Fourth Quarter (although not always executed as intended), and the BMFP (Big Man Focal Point). Already ranked #2 in The Misers power-rankings for the upcoming season, this is the year MAMA LOOCH brings the trophy back to the Centro.

MAMA LOOCH Victim #1: Cardeef

Dear Franchise,

Don't let the door hit you on your way out!

I picked Franchise up on the cheap towards the end of the auction. I hoped that he would be a good "value" pick (whatever that means) and if he managed to somehow get his act together, he could be a solid rotation player.

Unfortunately, it looks like Steve's expectations, like mine, will be left unmet.

Steve Francis did not expect much, but sounded shocked that he might begin the season receiving little or no playing time.

So the Never Won's welcome a new player to the stable and also officially announce the opening of the "soft 12th spot" on its roster. Kyle Korver, I'll see you soon.

In the meantime, welcome Kyle Lowry. You seem to have some potential and I like potential. I also like Indian food even though it burns coming out the other end. Don't be that guy.

Lastly, this marks Franchise's inevitable ascent to "solid contributor" status on someone else's roster. That's just how it goes for the Never Won's.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

this is my first ever blog post...

and it will of course start with an ellipsis. i just have a couple random thoughts to share with our fellow league members:


often in life there are times when a man thinks that there are activities out there where he and only he would enjoy said activity at any given moment in time. you're absolutely convinced that no other person in the entire world would enjoy that same activity as you would at that exact same moment. well one of those moments arrived last night and it turns out i was wrong.

i was deciding whether or not to attend jon wachsman's halloween party at the tribeca grand hotel dressed up in my ridiculous blow up costume of me riding some inflatable chicken when i asked losers row what his plans were for the evening. he informed me that he was staying put so that he could watch the red sox and penn state vs. ohio state games.

i was intrigued and decided to stick around thinking this might be a great opportunity for us to get one last fantasy bball discussion in before the season began. let me remind you that this was at 7:30 pm... 1:00 am i arose from the same spot in the couch that i had been sitting in for 5 1/2 straight hours to go to the halloween party. losers row and i had somehow managed to discuss fantasy basketball for the entire duration of this time accomplishing nothing other than some asinine bets (see post to follow). dreams do come true.


when i turned eleven years old my parents took me to ginapolis for my birthday. it was a family eatery that consisted of not much more than your standard buffet line of ribs and chicken. still it was a great place.

we were all enjoying each others company when someone pointed out that dennis rodman was sitting a couple tables away.

my dad was soooooo pumped. i honestly never expected to witness that same level of enthusiasm from him ever again (although i did approximately 15 years later when my parents came to new york and we went to the fiddler on the roof play only to realize that larry brown was randomly sitting directly behind us).

anyways towards the end of the night dennis came over and gave me a chocolate cake and led the room in a resounding happy bday serenade. it was the greatest moment in life. probably on par with shap's tears of joy when the spotlight hit him at the better than ezra concert.

however my smile quickly turned to a frown when i realized that my sister had been extensively flirting with rodman for most of the evening, trying to persuade him to come over to the table later to wish me a happy bday. and he obviously did so...although clearly under the assumption that in turn he would have a shot at bringing home a 15 year old girl later that night.


i accomplished one of my life goals last night bringing home one of my favorite all time "never sealed the deal" girls from college. unfortunately cardiff giant has already hooked up with her so it doesnt really count.


as much as i despise rasheed wallace, articles like these remind me why i can never hate him as much as the reason mr. league is 3pt% as opposed to 3ptm:

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Fantasy Basketball Observations from the 1st Half of the Michigan Game

So the Mighty Mullets and BTE skipped heading over to the worst bar in the world, the Fox and Hound in Philadelphia, for the Michigan game to instead watch at home and discuss fantasy basketball. Here are some of our observations and stories recalled from the first half:

Josh Brogan’s name is actually Paul Brogan (see this comment by The Mullets). To hype us up before meeting for the Michigan game, we watched his basketball rap video. Which is awesome.

The Mullets says he has watched the video at least 40 times. He has forced his wife to watch it twice. She was only more disturbed by Never Won’s camel toe.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Upon looking at the available crop of centers, we were scrolling through the names and Stromile Swift made me scream out loud. Mullets properly observed that I should use an old Never Won strategy (or is it a maneuver?) and “hedge my bet” by picking him up to pair with Darko Milicic. Too bad Slomile Shit is on my five-year banned list.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Speaking of good observations: “Look at the last five yards of this play, that’s the difference between mere mortals and Mario Manningham.” – Brain-dead announcer doing the Michigan game.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Misers made a distressing call late yesterday evening to pour his heart out to “the yin to his yang,” The Mullets. Here is a sampling of the quotes:

"Did you see Mike Conley is third string."

"I shouldn’t have taken Ben Wallace. He’s old now, I was nervous at the auction. After all of this preparation, my team is in trouble."

Finally he dropped the doozey, “Do you have any tips for me?” To which the Mighty Mullets replied something to the effect of “There is no way I’m helping you this year especially after last year when I told you the players I was interested in and you went and picked them up.”

For those who don’t recall this incident, this is a classic Misers dick move. He excused himself from the room quickly after this discussion with the Mullets under the ruse that he was going to check the news and slyly added Jason Richardson and Brevin Knight, both set to come back from injuries. He comes back into the room two minutes later with a scrooge look on his face declaring “I just made some moves!!” Dick, dick, dick.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Have a safe and happy Halloween

Don't take any candy from this guy:

Or this guy either:

Please welcome our newest contributor

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the newest Best League Ever blog contributor, Shap Deez.

Here's a few fun facts about Shap:

1) He has a tendency to cry (like real tears).
2) His favorite position is the titty fuck (is that a position)?
3) He's a shrewd fantasy basketball player but has nothing to show for it.

Anyway, here's a quick song that reminds me of Shap Deez:

my baby left me, left me sad and blue
I didn't know what to do
and then I met his best friend
and he took me to his house
and I said...I said...
(what you said baby) let me tell you what I said
Put it in my mouth
She said put it in her mouth
I said my muthafuckin mouth
I mean her muthafuckin mouth
Put it in my mouth
She said put it in her mouth
my muthafuckin mouth

You wanna go down why not
I be like Herbie and han you a cock
and tell you that my name is AK
get on your kness, make like the breeze begin to blow
but dont give me no Ralph Loren grin
if your not down to go low >deep in my mouth
I'm all about mouth fuckin
only if you down for dick suckin
if not, be chair and a beer...keep truckin
and fuck chap sticks
I'm comin ashy as hell, wit chapped dicks
for your chapped ass lips >down in my mouth
creamin your teeth like dentists as Im rubbin them
with an erection like injections
fuck it I be druggin them
numbing up your tonsils
like ambesol anesthetic
cummin down your throat like chloraseptic no time for
apologin..girlfriend if you.....
I'm givin bitches permanent beers
put your lips here
and catch these damn facial hairs in your mouth

Put it in my mouth
Put it in your mouth
I said my muthafuckin mouth
I said your muthafuckin mouth
or you can just eat me out
or I can just eat you out
you can eat me out
yeah, whats that all about
Now you can lick it, you can sip it, you can taste it
I'm talkin every drip-drop, don't you waste it
baby, slurp it up, its enough to fill your cup
its finger lickin good
and Im wishin it would
go down kinda slow or even fast
I'm always sprung once I feel your tongue
In the crack of my ass, just eatin me-nigga
goin out like that boy you pack such a tasty treat
and you can e a t m e o u t
but put it your my mouth
put it in your mouth
I said your muthafuckin mouth
I said your muthafuckin mouth
and you could just eat me out
what do ya choose to lick
you could eat me out
pussy or dick?
put it in your mouth
people through out the world
I said your muthafuckin mouth
man it's your pick
put it in my mouth
what do ya choose to lick
put it in my mouth
pussy or dick?
I said my muthafuckin mouth
people through out the world
just put it in my mouth
yeah it's your pick
muthafuckin mouth
what do you wanna lick
and you could just eat me out
pussy or dick?
in my mouth
people through out the world
put it in my mouth
baby-baby in my mouth
its your pick..pick
let me go down
uhh, uhh
people through out the world

Now you're all in big, big trouble.

Let the date-rape begin.

Roofies '07-'08

Week 1 Positional Rankings

What the hell; how about some actual fantasy basketball analysis? I've been asked to rank players for the other fantasy basketball blog I write for (WARNING: shameless self-promo time),, so I figured I'd share my rankings for Week 1. Unfortunately, the positions don't account for MPE and as a result they are a little limited and some players may be listed incorrectly (we're getting the kinks ironed out).

Regardless, here they are. Misers, take some notes and then plug them into your stolen spreadsheet. Enjoy.


Games and Team

4 Utah Jazz

3 Chicago Bulls
3 Cleveland Cavaliers
3 Dallas Mavericks
3 Denver Nuggets
3 Detroit Pistons
3 Golden State Warriors
3 Houston Rockets
3 Indiana Pacers
3 Los Angeles Lakers
3 Miami Heat
3 Milwaukee Bucks
3 New Jersey Nets
3 New Orleans Hornets
3 Orlando Magic
3 Philadelphia 76ers
3 Phoenix Suns
3 Portland Trailblazers
3 Sacramento Kings
3 San Antonio Spurs
3 Seattle Supersonics
3 Toronto Raptors
3 Wahington Wizards

2 Atlanta Hawks
2 Boston Celtics
2 Charlotte Bobcats
2 Los Angeles Clippers
2 Memphis Grizzlies
2 Minnesota Timberwolves
2 New York Knicks

Point Guards

1 Deron Williams
2 Steve Nash
3 Chris Paul
4 Baron Davis
5 Chauncey Billups
6 Gilbert Arenas -- That knee isn't looking too good yet.
7 Allen Iverson
8 Kirk Hinrich
9 Jason Kidd
10 Maurice Williams
11 Tony Parker
12 Jameer Nelson
13 Andre Miller
14 Leandro Barbosa
15 Mike Bibby
16 T.J. Ford
17 Jamaal Tinsley
18 Larry Hughes
19 Jason Williams
20 Devin Harris
21 Raymond Felton
22 Rajon Rondo
23 Stephon Marbury
24 Chucky Atkins
25 Rafer Alston

Shooting Guards

1 Kobe Bryant
2 Tracy McGrady
3 Vince Carter
4 Kevin Martin
5 Michael Redd
6 Ronnie Brewer -- Seriously, dude has 4 games. Poobie, you shoulda kept both Brewers.
7 Brandon Roy
8 Manu Ginobli
9 Ben Gordon
10 Jason Richardson
11 Monta Ellis
12 Richard Hamilton
13 Joe Johnson
14 Ray Allen
15 Mike Miller
16 Jason Terry
17 Ricky Davis
18 Raja Bell
19 Mike Dunleavy
20 Wally Szczerbiak
21 Rashad McCants
22 Anthony Parker
23 Tony Allen
24 Quentin Richardson
25 Kyle Korver

Small Forwards

1 LeBron James
2 Andre Iguodala
3 Rashard Lewis
4 Carmelo Anthony
5 Caron Butler
6 Luol Deng
7 Josh Howard
8 Josh Smith
9 Gerald Wallace
10 Paul Pierce
11 Danny Granger
12 Andrei Kirilenko
13 Richard Jefferson
14 Boris Diaw -- So overrated. I think I put him here to torture myself.
15 Tayshaun Prince
16 Shane Battier
17 Corey Maggette
18 Rudy Gay
19 Peja Stojakovic
20 Kevin Durant
21 Luke Walton
22 Hedo Turkoglu
23 Grant Hill
24 Martell Webster
25 Jeff Green

Power Forwards

1 Dirk Nowitzki
2 Shawn Marion
3 Antawn Jamison
4 LaMarcus Aldridge
5 David West
6 Kevin Garnett
7 Rasheed Wallace
8 Lamar Odom
9 Al Harrington
10 Tyrus Thomas
11 Luis Scola
12 Zach Randolph
13 Chris Wilcox
14 Nene Hilario
15 Boris Diaw
16 Drew Gooden
17 Udonis Haslem
18 Charlie Villanueva
19 Nick Collison
20 Jason Smith
21 Channing Frye
22 Al Horford
23 Darko Milicic -- Get your head in the game, damn it!!
24 Al Thornton
25 Jason Maxiell


1 Carlos Boozer
2 Yao Ming
3 Amare Stoudemire
4 Dwight Howard
5 Chris Bosh
6 Marcus Camby
7 Jermaine O'Neal
8 Tim Duncan
9 Pau Gasol
10 Al Jefferson
11 Andris Biedrins
12 Mehmet Okur
13 Tyson Chandler
14 Andrea Bargnani
15 Zydrunas Ilguaskas
16 Emeka Okafor
17 Andrew Bogut
18 Brad Miller
19 Shaquille O'Neal
20 Ben Wallace
21 Andrew Bynum
22 Nenad Krstic
23 Antonio McDyess
24 Chris Kaman
25 Robert Swift -- That's for you Never Won!

Hummmm on deez nuts.

Signs your team may be in trouble #35

When your pre-season transactions look like this, and you still have Elton Brand, Wally World, and Luke Ridnour on your team:

Oct 26 10:53am Jason Williams (Mia - PG) Add Free Agents The Misers
Oct 26 10:53am Mike Conley Jr. (Mem - PG,SG) Drop The Misers Waivers
Oct 22 12:10am Corey Brewer (Min - SF,PF) Add Free Agents The Misers
Oct 22 12:10am Anthony Parker (Tor - SG,SF) Drop The Misers Waivers
Oct 17 9:19pm Mike Conley Jr. (Mem - PG,SG) Add Free Agents The Misers
Oct 17 9:19pm Delonte West (Sea - PG,SG) Drop The Misers Waivers

Fun for the whole family created some cool widgets for blogs like Best League Ever!

Here's Paul Pierce:

Get yours today!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken

Weasel: Wow – Rick Davis to the Heat….interesting….who has him, Looch right?

: indeed

: sorry Looch...KILLS his value

: I tend to disagree

: As a life rule, that’s for certain.

Dear Rotoworld

I use Rotoworld for my daily fantasy basketball research needs. They do a nice job of aggregating headlines from around the country and displaying them in a quickly digestible format.

But their "analysis" sucks.

You see, they don't have any reporters of their own (unless you count Dr. A., and I don't). So they feel the need to add some "color" or "analysis" to their collection of headlines. This leads them to post mostly off-the-wall proclamations.

Witness this "analysis" of this morning's news that Memphis named Mighty Mouse their starter and pre-season triple-dipper Kyle Lowry as the backup.

Now, any rational fantasy basketball observer would probably say "geez, I guess that kills Mike Conley Jr.'s value. Not only is he a rookie point guard, but he's a third string rookie point guard."

But not Rotoworld! They went with "While owners shouldn't panic and dump Conley just yet, this announcement does raise a red flag."

That's the type of in-depth analysis I've come to love from Rotoworld. I sure wouldn't panic if one of my rookie point guards was just named third string. Nope, not me. I'm a much more cautious type of fantasy player for sure. Is Kobe available on waivers? I might make a move on him.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Hey I've Got An Idea...Let's Rank Stuff

Just when you thought we had beaten these post-auction, pre-season numbers within an inch of their boring fucking lives, JD came up with a doozy: how much more/less did each team's players go for this year compared to last year's auction? We hypothesized on the auction's importance to the overall success of the team and, though imperfect, the system yielded some interesting results.

For fairness, we weeded out players whose auction values were significantly altered by injury either this year or last (as identified by asterisks). But enough bullshittery, let's get to some more meaningless rankings.

Rank. Team: Difference (Last Year's Finish)

12. Blue Balls: -90 (9th place)

11. Moop: -83 (11th place)

10. Mama Looch: -81 (12th place)

9. The Misers: -52 (10th place)

8. Yom Kippur: -24 (6th place)

7. Mighty Mullets*: -6 (4th place)

6. TheBurningSenstation: +2 (5th place)

5. Loser's Row**: +4 (7th place)

4. Mikey's Roofies***: +53 (2nd place)

3. Best Team Ever: +55 (1st place)

2. The Flux: +64 (8th place)

1. Cardiff Giant: +81 (3rd place)

* - Wade went for significantly less this year (according to JD) due to his injury
** - Brand went for far less this year due to his injury
*** - Gasol went for far less last year due to injury

Is Glen Taylor a Fantasy Basketball Junkie?

He must be. Check these comments about why he's reluctant to pay Al Jefferson before the season starts:

"I'm just a little hesitant that he's only had one good year," Taylor said. "We got taken by Mike James. Mike had a really good year, so we paid him the max we could under the rules, and he sure didn't come back and perform anywhere at that level."

I feel you Glen, I feel you.

Roll Mullets

By Mighty Mullets, Special guest contributor

What is the best way to cheer for your team? That's simple. "Roll Mullets?" Why "Roll"? That's simple too.

I grew up in SEC country watching teams like Georgia, Auburn and in, the Crimson Tide. If you don't know what I am talking about, SEC country is the underneath part of America where schools still teach the bible and the first commandment goes a little something like this: "I am the lord your god, and SEC football is my preferred sport."

Here's a nice little anecdote. Once upon a time, Never Won and I were playing a game called "If I couldn't go to the University of Michigan, I would go to ____________." His answer was the University of Texas. Wrong. The correct answer is LSU. Go figure, Never Won didn't win.

Back to my original lesson. I have humbly adapted the University of Alabama's "Roll Tide" to fantasy basketball. And, you know what, I think it works better for fantasy basketball, thank you.

Let me prove this point by example:

Roll Mullets
Roll Krstic
Roll Best League Ever
Roll Stat Tracker
Roll Left Foot Pivot (I guess this isn't basketball related, but given Never Won's persistent bathroom issues, I decided it was worth mentioning)

Roll with me

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

A Tree Grows in Atlanta

I have no statistical evidence of this, but one of my rules of fantasy basketball is "Don't take players who just signed a big contract." Some examples -- Peja, Jerome James, Brian Cardinal. Contracts in the NBA are guaranteed so that slight ankle sprain tends to hurt a lot more when you've got 5 years, $50 million wrapped up.

For some perspective, one of my life rules is "Don't worry about wiping your ass if you're just going to take a shower right after." But that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, why take a guy who just signed a huge deal when you can take a guy in a contract year (the proverbial, it's-cool-if-a-little-gets-on-your-leg-because-you're-in-the-shower-anyway clause)?

So this year when I drafted Josh Smith, I was not-so-secretly hoping that the Hawks didn't extend him before October 31, thereby making him a restricted free agent at the end of the year. Contract year, baby!

And wouldn't you know, the worst franchise in the league just decided not to sign their potential franchise player on the future before the October 31 deadline. Here's to hoping they don't lock up Childress either. That just would make too much sense to a club that passed on CP3 and Deron Williams and then drafted forwards 3 years in a row.

I also noticed that Smith's agent's last name is Dyke. Hehehehe.

The Lone Other Obsession

Judging by the utter lack of work done in the last few weeks, especially post-auction this year, I am entirely consumed by everything fantasy basketball related. All waking and some unconscious moments are focused exclusively on my team, the league, this blog or the basic necessities (eating, huffing glue, etc.). Or so I thought.

Then I caught wind of a juicy rumor and boy did it smell of sweet deliciousness, unlike NeverWon’s infamous “Round 2” return trips to the throne when he’s feeling especially nervous. Word on the street is that Nintendo is primed to release a video game for its Wii platform that every single member of Mr. League wasted hours blistering our thumbs upon during the years in the frat house. That’s right; what will undoubtedly be the world’s greatest video game is set for release on February 10, 2008 – just in time for the dreaded All-Star break and its four days of fantasy basketball deprivation.

Now I don’t rock a Viking hat and clock necklace ensemble nor am I darker than burnt charcoal as Sanch's "cousin" Jeffrey Ross states, so I’m going to stop hyping this jawn up like I’m Flavor Flav. Without any further delay, I present the Best Game Ever:

Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaah Boooooooooooooyyyyyy!!!!!

Who Is That Masked Man?

Thoughts on a proposed logo?

Monday, October 22, 2007

Fear and Loathing in FantasyLand

In an ideal world, I would like to have our League's auction on the weekend before the games starts.


1) It helps limit your exposure to inflated pre-season stats.
2) It helps limit the number of times a day you refresh Rotoworld at work, thereby ensuring your continued employment.
3) It helps limit the onset of Fantasy Basketball Fear and Loathing.

Allow me to explain. This year I finally got my act together for the auction -- no small feat considering my atrocious 2005 and 2006 results. I left Chicago (the site of this year's auction) feeling content, optimistic, and slightly, if prematurely, cocky.

Here's NeverWon's roster as currently constructed:

Raymond Felton

(Cha - PG,SG)

Manu Ginobili
(SA - SG)

Paul Pierce
(Bos - SG,SF)

Josh Smith
(Atl - SG,SF)

David Lee
(NY - SF,PF)

Josh Childress
(Atl - SG,SF)

Amare Stoudemire
(Pho - C)

Tyson Chandler
(NO - C)

Stephon Marbury
(NY - PG)

Steve Francis
(Hou - PG)

Robert Swift
(Sea - C)

Tayshaun Prince
(Det - SF)

Given the state of my core 3 (Amare, Pierce, J Smoove), my core 5 (Amare, Pierce, J Smoove, Ginobili, Chandler), and my core 8 (Amare, Pierce, J Smoove, Ginobili, Chandler, Felton, Lee, Childress) I feel relatively confident that my typically savvy in-season moves will give me the firepower to contend. For more on the concept of the "Core," click here.

But then Fantasy Basketball Fear and Loathing sets in.

It starts slowly. An article here about Robert Swift not playing the second night of back-to-backs. An article there about Steve Francis being out of shape and not grasping Rick Adelman's offence.

"But they aren't my core players" you say to anyone who will listen. It doesn't matter.

Fast forward to Saturday night at your local bar where the Flux is explaining how great his fantasy team is. Ahh, time for taking, you think!

Except then you say you Core 5 out loud.

"Josh Smith"
"Ummmmm, Ginobili?"

A steak-dinner bet later (most wins in the regular season) and you've got a case of full Fantasy Basketball Fear and Loathing.

The only balm? More Josh Smith!

That feels better. Sort of.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Is there anybody out there?

Growing up there was always that longing desire to be an adult already. As college ended, the longing inverted and I only wished I could be young again. For some reason now, the only longing I have anymore is for the fucking regular season to fucking start all-fucking-ready.

If sitting at home on a Friday night is pathetic, how would one characterize sitting at home on a Friday night to watch 30-second refreshes of pre-season box scores?


An Intro to The Burning Sensation

Allow me to interrupt our regularly scheduled fellation of Josh Smith for a brief introduction to the man that is The Burning Sensation.

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see

Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Measuring Talent

Well well well, the Cardiff Giant has finally revealed to one and all his glorious strategy for securing himself a playoff birth. We should all be better off having had this glimpse into the psyche of a delicate genuis. I mean, just look at these commandments: (1) Thou Shalt Be Consistent, (2) Thou Shalt Command Thine Offense, (3) Thou Shalt Be Unique, (4) Thou Shalt Overcome Thine Mistakes, and (5) Thou Shalt Be Secure In Thineself. Essentially the Giant One reccomends fantasy studs, for those are the masters of consistency, the ones who command offenses, are undeniably unique, learn from their mistakes, and stay healthy.

Bearing these principles in mind, let's review Cardiff's band of merry play-makers:

Allen Iverson
(Den - PG,SG)
Ray Allen
(Bos - SG)
Baron Davis
(GS - PG)
Tracy McGrady
(Hou - SG,SF)
Carlos Boozer
(Uta - PF,C)
Boris Diaw
(Pho - PF,C)
Brendan Haywood
(Was - C)
Eddy Curry
(NY - C)
Marco Belinelli
(GS - PG,SG)
Morris Peterson
(NO - SG,SF)
Jamaal Magloire
(NJ - C)
Jason Maxiell
(Det - SF,PF)

Whoa!!!! It appears that in the Cardiff's quest to heed his own advice, he neglected to stock his team with 12 solid contributors. In their stead, he has two stud guards, two former studs who now violate commandment 5 so often they may as well douche with holy water in repentence, a big man who totaled 21 blocks and 194 turnovers last season, the worst man alive (I'm looking at you Eddie) last year's largest dissappointment and 5 for Maxiell who has talent, but no real playing time as yet.

T-Mac is more injury prone than my cousin who couldn't jump on the bed as a kid because of something called "brittle bone syndrome." This is not to mention the fact that Houston's offense is less and less being run through him. And Ray Allen, one of my favorite ballers, may see his role change significantly now that he's sharing the rock with Pierce and Garnett. Seriously, their touches should eat into his numbers the same way my Aunt Carol used to feast at a Chinese buffet.

Recall that the league is an auction format with daily changes. This means that even when Cardiff has all of his players going, 2 spots are gauranteed to be filled by wastes of space. Couple this for when Baron and Tracy inevitably miss half their season with knee/back/menstral problems and the Cardiff has the makings of a failing squad. And what about the nights when his 4 players going are named Brendan, Morris, Marco and Jamaal. Should any opponent fear their numbers?

Now, let's briefly examine a team the good lord accuses of being run by someone incapable of evaluating talent: The Moop. Moop took a different strategy at the auction. While most teams busied themselves like Cardiff and over-loaded on two or three "studs," Moop sought to balance his entire team to maximize total contribution. The result:

Tony Parker
(SA - PG)
Michael Redd
(Mil - SG,SF)
Mo Williams
(Mil - PG)
Lamar Odom
Zach Randolph
(NY - PF)
Jason Richardson
(Cha - SG,SF)
Dwight Howard
(Orl - C)
Mehmet Okur
(Uta - PF,C)
Kevin Martin
(Sac - SG)
Richard Jefferson
(NJ - SF)
Brad Miller
(Sac - C)
Grant Hill
(Pho - SG,SF)

OK. So Grant Hill is going to last maybe 6 games. Pheonix obviously thinks he'll last longer. But look at the other 11. They are all ranked in Yahoo's top 100, with the majority landing between 29-71. There is no one that screams "useless" or "drop me now as I'm completely expendable." In fact, each member of Team Moop (save Hill) is fully tradeable, either on their own or packaged with a fellow Moopster.

When team Moop's president was contacted for comment about the Cardiff's remarks, he quickly replied, "Hmmmm, seems silly considering Cardiff spent most of the auction sitting around lamenting how he had no money left to buy bargain players. I guess there's never been a clearer case of someone blowing his wad so early. Is it possible to have the fantasy equivalent of penis envy AND premature ejaculation???"

The point is that there are 3 general approaches to fantasy success. First, go for the studs and, when you've run out of money, try to find enough roll players and play the waiver wire all season. Second, go the way of the Moop, avoid any real top 20 talent, but have no one on your team that you'd drop without wincing a bit. The third approach, of course, is to achieve a balance between the first two.

It is my humble submission that the team that wins it all this year is the squad that best achieves that overall balance. Too many nobodies, and you're wasting time whenever your studs aren't on the floor or they're hurt. Too many steady-eddies, and you'll miss those glorious nights when a guy like Kobe drops 50 like its nothing. Last year's winner had that balance, with guys like Dirk, Arenas, J. Smith, G. Wallace, Hinrich and Barbosa surrounded by 6 other steady contributors. This year, I humbly submit its me.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Reason #27 For Having A Lock On My Door

I am the Lord your God

Last night, The Miser and I were discussing segments of this theory that I came up with a few years ago when writing for Dime, so I figured I’d throw it up here as my first contribution.

Bottom line, some of you idiots have no clue how to value a player (Moop, I’m looking in your direction). It is more than adding up stats and plugging them into a spreadsheet (would The Flux please stand up). It is more than guffawing at big dunks and vicious blocks ([cough]Loser’s Row[cough]). To determine the true value of a player, there are five distinct commandments a fantasy player must abide by:

ONE: Thou Shalt Be Consistent—It seems these days that the term “fantasy stud” is tossed around as carelessly as Paris Hilton at an Oscar party. But in the good old days, “stud” was reserved for the players that put up the solid line every night. While a player with good averages will often get the job done, a consistent player is one you will look to at the end of the night and say “now that’s what I was expecting.” This is the first thing you look for in a player. If a player with this quality is offered to you, a threshold has been met and you should proceed less cautiously through the rest of the analysis. But as the consistency drops along the scale, your Alert Level should begin to creep up toward the red.

Consistency Scale (out of three games)

High Value: 3 games. Ex: Dirk Nowitzki, Allen Iverson

Medium Value: 2 games. Ex: Gerald Wallace, Josh Howard

Low Value: 1 game. Ex: Josh Smith, Ron Artest

TWO: Thou Shalt Command Thine Offense—Nothing is more frustrating than watching your first round pick wait outside the arc for some undrafted, rookie PG to dish him the ball. So, a solid but intangible factor in determining a player’s fantasy value is whether the team’s offense runs through him. This characteristic cannot be read in any box score, but only can be seen with one’s own eyes by actually watching a game. For those of you without the NBA Package, go to a bar to watch the player, because this is crucial. The most obvious picks for controlling the offense are point guards, but many teams also use their big men or shooting guards to control the half court offense. It is essential that the player does not always depend on a teammate to get him involved, because the more a player relies on others to get him the ball, the less you can rely on him to put up consistent stats.

Command Scale (out of three half court offensive possessions)

High Value: 3 touches. Ex: Steven Nash, Gilbert Arenas

Medium Value: 2 touches. Ex: Ray Allen, Tim Duncan

Low Value: 1 touch or less. Ex: Andrei Kirilenko, Mike Miller

THREE: Thou Shalt Be Unique—Let’s say you’ve got 8 positions and four bench spots in your league, and there are daily lineup changes. Now, would you rather (1) have six players starting while four ride the bench because of their lack of position eligibility, or (2) wrestle a bear with a roast beef sandwich stuffed down your pants? Personally, I’m thinkin’ I’d try my luck with the grizzly. A player with position eligibility can change the whole dynamic of your team, especially if he has a flex position (e.g. PG/SG, PF/C). But some positions in the NBA have a dearth of depth, while others are teeming with talent. So look to load up on shallow positions, even if only to use those players as trade bait later on.

Position Scale

High Value: PG, C

Medium Value: SF, PF

Low Value: SG

FOUR: Thou Shalt Overcome Thine Mistakes—Even my High School English professor could drop 20 points in an NBA game if she jacked up 100 shots, and she just got a new plastic hip. But at 10% FG, how useful are those 20 points? The point is: what good is a player that fills up one category if he swamps you in three others? A solid fantasy player needs to help you in all categories, or at the very least put up enough numbers in several categories to overcome his helplessness in the rest. While some league managers like to load up on position specialists despite their weakness across the rest of the board, I advise building a team with players that will put numbers in every column of the box score so that if a stat specialist falters, the rest of the team picks up his slack.

Balance Scale (out of 9 categories—PTS, RBS, ASTS, FG%, FT%, 3PT, BLK, STL, TO)

High Value: Top 50 in 5 or more. Ex: Kevin Garnett, Dwyane Wade

Medium Value: Top 50 in 3-4. Ex: Dwight Howard, Carlos Boozer

Low Value: Top 50 in 2 or less. Ex: Eddy Curry, Rip Hamilton

FIVE: Thou Shalt Be Secure In Thineself—Just like on sunset walk through Central Park, some players are always looking over their shoulder or asking for trouble. While the only valid information about a player is what he is likely to do in the future, we usually use past performance to predict future value. But sometimes what lies ahead is vague and unquantifiable; therefore, it is important to put some time into considering what externalities may affect the player in the future. If there is a rising star coming off the bench behind him, that may decrease his burn in the future. If he has a history of knee problems, you may want to weigh his chances of finishing the season healthy. Mastering this part of the analysis will only come with practice, but it never hurts to take the time and read some articles just to ensure that your investment is protected and intact for when he shows up in your team’s locker room.

Dependency Scale (based on external factors)

High Value: Superstar; clean bill of health. Ex: Kobe Bryant, LeBron James

Medium Value: All-Star; rising star on bench; moderate-to-risky health. Ex: Jermaine O’Neal, Marcus Camby

Low Value: Mid-level star; splitting time; bad history of injuries. Ex: Jason Terry, Grant Hill

YouTube Mr. League Group Created

As obsessive as this league is, we're all going stir-crazy eagerly anticipating the regular season tip off. We can't even watch preseason games since the dictators who contol League Pass have kept every preseason game off the air, save for the few games played in Europe. For that, we offer them a huge two-fisted middle finger salute.

So to pass the time and satiate our basketball fix, we've started emailing YouTube highlights of our players to each other. However, it's been quickly discovered that no one wants to just receive clips of another team's players (I'm looking at you NeverWon and your brand new Josh Smith infatuation. How is it even possible that you have never seen him play before?!? But that's a topic for another day).

To remedy the situation and encourage even more basketball watching among the league, I created a YouTube group for this league and blog entitled "Mr. League Fantasy Basketball." Catchy, right? I encourage all of you to join ASAP right here and begin posting clips that are:

1) Basketball highlights
2) Relevant to the league or we would all enjoy (no porn though, Moop)

Please try to limit the number of karaoke clips to less than one per day -- unless it's a Same Sex Meatloaf performance. The world needs more of that duo's karaoke goodness. Anwyay, let's try to have some fun with this.

And lastly, don't post the auction video. Bad things, man. Bad things.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Suck on this

Well, apparently making one post about one player on your team amounts to "just posting about your team all the time." Or so it goes according to Cardeef.

So Silv, here's some YouTube love for your boy Eddy Curry. Notice how oft-injured Delonte West soars to the low-fly zone to block EC.

And if you don't like it, I'll ask again -- does your web browser point automatically to this humble blog?

Monday, October 15, 2007

All hail Josh Smith

One of NeverWon's fantasy basketball truisms is that you will never love/watch/obsess over players like you do the ones on your team. Hence (like the Weasel likes to say) Darko Milicic, '06-'07.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I've found this season's man crush. J-Smoove, I'll see on you on November 2, 7:30PM against the Mavs.

Until then folks, get your fantasy rocks off on these clips:

Stats I'd like to see

Back in the day, when NeverWon was spending time living life in Philly, I'd think of letters I'd want to write.

For example:

Dear Upstairs Neighbors,

When you walk across the floor like that, it makes me want to kill you.



Well, one of the letters I did write was to the NBA. You see, there was a game where Yao knocked the ball away from the post player and it ended up in T-Mac's waiting (yet strangely non-arthritic) hands.

Who got credit for the steal? T-Mac.

Who should've gotten credit for the steal? Yao.

Right then and there, I created a new statistical category: The half-steal. As far as new inventions go, I'd rank the half-steal thusly:

1) The Wheel
2) The Half-Steal
3) The personal computer
4) The Lightbulb

I wrote a letter to the NBA. They said they'd take it under advisement. 'Natch.

As time progressed and I watched Deron Williams pass the ball over and over to AK-47, only to have AK-47 brick shots like a 5th-grade girls team, I created another statistical category -- the Blown Assist.

Here's the invention list revision, the Blown Assist included.

1) The Wheel
2) The Half-Steal
3) The Blown Assist
4) The personal computer
5) The Lightbulb
6) The iPod (iPod added to clearly mark the passage of time)

Now I was able to watch games unburdened by the failures of my own players to get stats in the more "relevant" categories -- points, rebounds, assists, etc. Instead, I counted my favorite categories -- the Half Steal and the Blown Assist.

Why bring this up now? Well, it seems as though NBA players are in favor of new categories!

Witness Jameer Nelson's (Editor's Note: not the same as Lebron's "I am a Witness" Nike campaign) creation of the Hockey Assist category.

Well done Jameer! NeverWon salutes you.